The Worst Films of 2013 - By Lon Harris

 This article first appeared on our legacy site PassMeThePopcorn (Now Defunct)

 

By Lon Harris

 
Lon Harris shares his list of the low points in the year of film in 2013.
 

#10: WORLD WAR Z

 
I have not read the novel that inspired this troubled Marc Forster production (is there any other kind?), but I can only assume that it has some kind of narrative structure. Things happen that cause other things to happen, and thus a story progresses in some kind of logical fashion. Beginnings, middles and ends and all that. Maybe a few characters who seem like they almost resemble actual living people are introduced, they make decisions that impact their eventual fates, maybe we learn a little something about them and even, by extension, ourselves in the process. That sort of stuff.
 
Woirld War Z has no time for any of that, though I’m not sure what else it was doing, either. Brad Pitt sort of rambles around the world getting into scrapes that all end the same way (zombies!), and then things just sort of work themselves out.
Also, the notion of a mass of zombies moving in unison, in the style of a single organism, is a good one, and could have looked pretty spectacular, I should think. But, save for that iconic one-sheet image of zombies piling up a wall like ants, which doesn’t even make a huge impact in the film, “World War Z” does nothing with it.
 

 
If it hadn’t made half a billion dollars worldwide, I’d almost hope it might do something to slow the glut of lame zombie movies with which we’ve been stuck for years now.
 

#9: OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL

 
My issues with Oz The Great and Powerful don’t really center around the story, which is forgettable but not atrocious, and does manage to cleverly tie up everything and set the stage of “Wizard of Oz” neatly.
 

 
The problem here is that, at no point did I believe any of the human beings were actually standing in the merry old land of Oz. “Who Framed Roger Rabbit” came out in 1988, and I had an easier time believing Bob Hoskins was really tooling down the main Toontown drag than I did thinking James Franco was actually skipping down the Yellow Brick Road.
So tragic that Sam Raimi – one of the greats of contemporary inventive DIY guerrilla-style filmmaking – retreated behind a bank of monitors, putting together a formulaic, bubble-gum theme park attraction that couldn’t feel further away from the quirky, charmingly hand-made Oz of the classic film.
 

#8: AFTER EARTH

 
I know Will Smith was involved, and that automatically got projects fast-tracked in 2013 Hollywood, but it’s hard to imagine anyone thought “After Earth” was conceptually sound. There are SO MANY problems with this just as a pitch!
– There are only two main characters, and no antagonist, and no one is ever on screen together
– The film is structured as an action film but there’s almost no action
– A feature-length film will be entirely dependent on the acting chops and charisma of Jaden Smith
 

 
– Despite being called “After Earth” and being set on an abandoned Earth, the fact that the characters are on Earth doesn’t matter and never comes up
– The plot requires the main character to eliminate all emotional response, which not only is impossible to do but makes him a totally unsympathetic blank figure.
– At one point, there is a dramatic scene between our hero and a computer-generated hawk.
 

 

#7: THE LORDS OF SALEM

 
I love Zombie’s odes to ’70s grindhouse – “House of 1000 Corpses” and “The Devil’s Rejects” – but when he aims for more mainstream-style horror, say with his “Halloween” reboot, it typically misses the mark. But “Lords of Salem” is his weakest outing yet, an incoherent, plodding and surprisingly sloppy attempt to re-imagine “Rosemary’s Baby” but without any of the symbolic heft or mounting terror.
 
Zombie’s wife, Sheri Moon Zombie, plays a totally uninteresting DJ who is possessed by a coven of witches harkening back to the infamous Salem Witch Trial era. That’s not a quick summary of the film’s main action – it’s a complete list of everything that happens. (“Possession” itself in the film largely consists of Ms. Zombie writhing around on the floor, moaning, and having odd, frequently sexual visions of witch rituals.
 

 
Zombie struggled to find distribution for the movie, and at the screening I attended at SXSW, said to the audience beforehand “Some of you will like this, and others are going to hate it.” He seemed oddly ambivalent about the whole thing, maybe realizing the idea was not fully baked only after the project was completed?
 
[I should also note, the film implies that Salem really was overrun with witches a few hundred years ago, thus making the Puritans disgraceful, cruel, inhuman behavior correct and called for. That’s some truly vile revisionist history there… Why not make a movie in which the grown men who tortured and murdered innocent young girls are the bad guys?]
 

#6: THE SWEENEY

 
This update of the 1970s British TV cop drama compiles every known cop movie cliche into one blisteringly insipid mess. I never need to see another film in which the brash, impulsive but also always-correct-when-it-counts cop/unit breaking all the rules and getting chewed out by The Chief. The presence of respected actors like Ray Winstone and Damian Lewis, trying their best with hopeless material, only highlights how tired these old routines really are.
 
Let’s also talk about the woeful action sequences. We have a bank heist turned shootout in London’s Trafalgar Square so obviously inspired by Michael Mann’s “Heat,” it’s practically Sweded. Unlike Mann’s original, the action mechanics of the shootout make no sense here – the good guys are able to block incoming gunfire with absolutely any physical piece of matter. At one point, portly Ray Winstone is able to dodge an onslaught of bullets behind a tiny metal ladder. Surely ONE of those bad boys would have managed to get through! Come on! There’s even a car chase on a very thin, narrow road that’s only the width of a single car. Where’s the drama in that? What are you even going to do if you catch up to that other car? Bump it?
 
[I’d also add that there’s a sub-plot in which the fetching Hayley Atwell’s character (age 31) is having an extra-martial affair with Ray Winstone’s character (age 56) which is not just unrealistic, but downright distasteful.]
 

 

#5: GI JOE: RETALIATION

 

Hard to believe that, out of the two contemporary “GI Joe” movies, the lame Stephen Sommers entry comes out ahead, but here we are. Jon Chu’s follow-up gives us all the bored, phoned-in performances, offensively inane anti-humor and bloated, ugly spectacle we’ve come to expect from toy brand tie-in movies, but with the added benefit of being totally incomprehensible.
 
It felt at times that I was watching two different “GI Joe” movies that had no intention of ever really coming together – sort of like the “Godfather II” of the series, I suppose. I’m not sure if the ninjas ever got around to influencing the more traditional soldier plot line; I’d pretty much checked out by then.
 

 
[Final note: Why does Bruce Willis continue to make movies when he clearly hates them so much? I know they pay him a lot of money to star in action movies, but he could make a lot of money with his own brand of applesauce, too, or by opening a Hollywood weed dispensary. I feel like he’d rather do absolutely anything else than star in an action movie, at this point, based on his performances in films like this one.]
 

#4: THE CANYONS

 
OK, so the hilariously awful disaster zone that is “The Canyons” is largely going to be blamed on Lindsey Lohan, and she definitely deserves some of the blame. She’s so wooden and distant here, it’s like she’s getting a Viking funeral. I kept waiting for someone in a horned helmet to shoot a flaming arrow into her. The character’s so zonked out and vacant, it took me like 45 minutes before I realized she’s the protagonist.
 

 
The plot – such as it is – concerns Lohan’s Tara, who is dating Christian (porn star James Deen), a trust fund scumbag using his family’s money to make terrible no-budget horror movies. Tara has been secretly having an affair with Ryan, an old flame who also happens to be the star of Christian’s latest bad movie. Christian finds out about the affair and sort of messes with everyone, but not in a way that is compelling.
 
There’s just no sense of why writer Bret Easton Ellis or director Paul Schrader (who used Kickstarter to raise funds for “The Canyons”) wanted to tell this meandering, dull story about these assholes. The film opens with a montage of condemned, abandoned former movie theaters throughout Los Angeles, so I thought – even if it didn’t work – the movie would be some kind of commentary on the end of the film business, or the end of movies as a communal, social activity. But then the film itself is barely about the film industry.
 
Also, from just a technical/professionalism standpoint, the movie reminds me of something you’d expect students to submit to a 24-hour film festival. It looks like Schrader shot it on an iPhone, the dialogue is both highly theatrical and bland, and the story has no momentum.
 

 

#3: UPSIDE DOWN

 
The set-up for this remarkably stupid sci-fi romance is that there are two planets orbiting directly side-by-side, facing one another. One is made up of poor, exploited workers and the other their wealthy capitalist masters. (They keep saying “up there” or “down here,” even though “up” and “down” don’t have a lot of meaning when you’re talking about planets. Everyone would feel like the other planet was “up there.”)
 
Anyway, it’s forbidden and physically impossible to go to the other planet from your planet, because everyone’s tied by their own gravity field to their own planet. Nonetheless, two very dull, uninteresting people – a poor orphan from “down here” (Jim Sturgess) and a rich girl from “up there” (Kirsten Dunst) – fall in love, and he becomes determined to use any means necessary to sneak to the upper planet to romance her.
 

 
The “up there/down there” stuff never stops seeming counter-intuitive and silly. (In particular, it has a really irksome tendency to assume that all the characters in this fantasy world would find the whole “double gravity” concept really weird and fascinating, just like we the viewers do, even though they have lived in this reality all their lives. Would people really drink anti-gravity cocktails from upside-down martini glasses? That seems inconvenient.)
 
But the film’s biggest problem is that it spends so much time establishing the double gravity rules and physics, it forgets to make the actual couple that’s in love compelling or relatable in any way. At heart, the movie’s a romance, but I didn’t give two shits about this couple. (Plus Kirsten Dunst’s character also has amnesia, so she’s impossible to invest in because she’s not even 100% sure who she is!)
 

#2: Movie 43

 
A surprising number of celebrities take part in this atrocious bathroom comedy anthology from Peter Farrelly. The stories are supposedly part of an insane pitch a desperate screenwriter (Dennis Quaid) makes to studio executive Greg Kinnear, but the film even gives up on this bookend conceit about halfway through, largely out of embarrassment. (For real!)
 
I think part of the reason these sketches seem SO awkward and painful is that they’re over-relying on the shock value of seeing these celebrities doing/saying stupid, “edgy” things (except for the scene where it’s supposed to be funny because they’re celebrities playing superheroes.) In some cases, such as the Halle Berry/Stephen Merchant “Truth or Dare” sketch, there actually AREN’T jokes other than the humiliation they put Halle Berry through.
 

 

There’s no real theme or coherent idea aside from “dick and poop jokes.” (The bookend thing is insane and adds nothing.) And nothing is relevant. The superhero parody ignores the last 50 years of actual superhero shows and films. The Apple parody focuses on a stupid product with no real-world relevance that’s based on the iPod, not even the iPhone. Also, inherent in the notion of a film anthology with multiple directors is that the individual segments will have a unique style or sensibility. These all feel like anonymously made Internet sketches.
 

#1: BAD MILO

 

Sadly, the final SXSW film I saw was not only “worst of the fest,” but one of the lamest and least funny comedies I have ever seen. It was just called “Milo” then but it’s being released as “Bad Milo.” The basic premise is that a regular guy (played by Ken Marino) starts having horrible digestive problems brought about by stress. (Lots of pooping and farting.)
He later discovers that he has a demon he calls Milo living in his colon andMilo occasionally escapes his bowels and goes to seek vengeance on people who are causing our hero (whose name I forget) stress.
 
It’s literally an entire movie of shit and fart jokes. I would say “it’s 100 minutes of shit and fart jokes,” but I walked out after about an hour.
 
But check out the CAST!
– Ken Marino
– Gillian Jacobs (from “Community”)
– Stephen Root
– Peter Stormare
– Patrick Warburton
– Toby Huss

 

 
It’s unfathomable to me that all of these people would sign on to a movie whose sole joke is “a guy has to shit and fart a lot.” Seriously, there are no jokes other than “ha ha that guy is covered in shit” or “now he has to shit again” or “oh my god the monster is now covered in his shit” or “the monster is going up his ass! lolololololol!” Even at 13, I didn’t find shit and farting this funny, and after about 15 minutes, I hit poop joke fatigue.

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An Appreciation of 1990’s films by Ari Dassa

 

An Appreciation of 1990’s films

By Ari Dassa

 
I still think of the 1990’s in film as contemporary even though it’s not anymore.
 
I definitely spend more time with 90s movies than I do with stuff from the last 10 or 15 years. There’s been a ton of great work, but it’s never really reached the same level or had the same influence or effect on me.
 
I always like recommending films from this era to people.
 
So here’s some film that I feel are defining moments of the 1990’s in film for me.
 

The Thin Red Line

 
Directed by Terrence Malick
 

First up is this piece from Terrence Malick’s groundbreaking WWII stunner The Thin Red Line. This 9 minutes is pretty much a masterclass in filmmaking, especially from an editing standpoint. The way it builds, the perspective it gives on each side, the moments of quick-cut brutality and the lingering shots of the malnourished Japanese soldiers.
 
It’s incredible.
 
This is one of the few WWII films that refuses to have “bad guys”. The Japanese soldiers are portrayed as human, just as the Americans are, and this sequence shows the absurdity, confusion and ugliness of war in such a visceral, emotional way.
 
It’s also, for me, Hans Zimmer’s greatest moment as film composer. The voice-over throughout the film is poignant and powerful, like this ensemble internal monologue from all the characters. Scorsese said it best when discussing the film. “They are not many voices, they are one voice”. “The Thin Red Line” (1998) dir: Terrence Malick.

 

 

Clockers

 
Directed by Spike Lee
 

This is Spike Lee’s mastery all summed up in one scene.
 
Relevant commentary, personal storytelling, and brilliant cinematic technique to express it.
 
So so good.
 
Not sure why this film gets left out when discussing Spike’s best work.
 
It’s easily one of his best.

 

 

 

 

Casino

 
Directed by Martin Scorsese
 

 

 

A beast of a movie. A BEAST.
 
One could say it’s the 3rd installment of Martin Scorsese’s thematic gangster trilogy of Mean Streets, Goodfellas and this. And it’s as epic a conclusion as it gets. It often gets overlooked because Goodfellas came first and has a similar style, but make no mistake, it’s just as masterful and ambitious, not to mention bigger and darker.
 
It’s hard to choose one moment from this film. There’s the introduction to the Tangiers and how it operates, there’s the “Cheater’s Justice” scene, there’s the infamous “vice” scene that serves as the extreme of all extremes in showing the ugly violence of the mafia lifestyle….but I’m choosing this exchange between Pesci and De Niro because I love the back and forth dialogue and how vicious and funny it is (the film is darkly comic all the way through).
 
Pesci is a monster in this film and gives a monster performance.
 
Scorsese just has to make these awful people so damn likable though. Not because he’s glorifying them, but because he insists on portraying them as people with the same ups and downs as everyone else, but with a different moral outlook.
 

 

 

Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai

 
Directed by Jim Jarmusch
 

One of the most original films of the decade.
 

 

Forest Whitaker plays the title character, a quiet assassin who lives by the code of the Samurai. The East Coast vibe mixed with RZA’s soundtrack and use of rap music makes this a unique entry in the gangster film genre.
 
It’s written and directed by the always fascinating Jim Jarmusch. Nothing is ordinary in his films.
 
This film is extraordinary.

 

 

Naked

 
Directed by Mike Leigh
 

LISTEN to this movie a couple times to fully get it because there are so many ideas unleashed from beginning to end that it’s kinda overwhelming on the first viewing.
 
David Thewlis gives a performance here that goes down as one of my all time favorites. And it’s weird, because if a more famous actor did this role I’m pretty sure EVERYONE would recognize it as being a monumental moment in screen acting. His character doesn’t shut up, constantly spewing out thoughts and reflections about himself and the world in sometimes bleak, sometimes comical, often times incendiary fashion.
 
The film is darkly brilliant and impossible to shake. You have to watch it if you haven’t seen it. And just listen to it.

 

The Matrix

 
Directed by Lana & Andy Wachowski
 

 
This movie is my comfort food.
 
I’ve said this before…there is no other movie that mixes together my favorite escapist genres and ideas the way this one does. One has to have a twisted sci-fi premise, The film has martial arts sequences, It has the cyber-punk influence, the anime influence, the philosophical element that allows one to sit and think about it, the use of mythological references, AND the single best CGI action-effect ever.
 
It’s just awesome.
 
What’s original about the film is the way the blend of ideas turned out. All this stuff has been done before, but not like this. The Wachowskis call the film “fusion art”, and that’s probably the most accurate way to describe it.
 
It’s also the best action film of the ’90s, and still, to this day, has not been topped.
 
Fury Road gets close, but there’s still nothing quite as jaw-dropping as the first time we got a look at this sequence. Basically everything from the lobby shootout to when Neo saves Trinity in the helicopter crash is on another level of action spectacle and VFX.
 
Also worth pointing out…this film won an Oscar for Best Film Editing. And it is so so well earned. Because seriously….this:
 

The Player

 
Directed by Robert Altman

 

 

Can we talk about something other than Hollywood for a change? We’re educated people.

 

I’m posting the trailer for the film since there aren’t a lot of individual scenes in high quality on youtube. But this is one of the best dark comedies there is, and one of my favorite Altman films. It’s so sharp, funny, dark, well acted. The cast is enormous, but Tim Robbins really shines in the lead role as a Hollywood executive who kills a writer he thinks is threatening him, but of course it’s the wrong guy.
 
As far as Hollywood satires go, this is one of the best. There are a ton of fun cameos, but it’s not a gimmicky movie. Altman was such a smart filmmaker.
 
I’m trying to think if we have someone like him today…hmmm…coming up with…nope, no one.
 

 Magnolia

 
Directed by Paul Thomas Anderson
 

 
This sequence gets a lot of attention because of how out there it is, and even though it’s not my favorite moment in the film, it’s still a defining moment, a memorable one, a sequence you never forget from one of the most ambitious films of the ’90s.
 
What I still love about Magnolia is the energy of PTA’s writing and direction. We know it’s the work of a young film prodigy (he was 29, I believe, when he made this) and it bursts with creativity, emotion, amazing camerawork and a genuine love of the medium. The performances are excellent, the characters are people you identify with, the music is used so effectively. This is when PTA was still at that stage of mixing together his influences of Altman and Scorsese (and various others from the 70s), and interestingly enough, I feel like it’s because of this film that he went in a completely different direction with the rest of his career.
 
It’s like he got it out of his system with this film.
 
People debate whether they prefer young PTA vs who he is today. I just love his progression and how he continues to evolve. For me he became a complete original with his next film, Punch Drunk Love (2002), and then took his level to insane heights with his masterpiece, There Will Be Blood. The Master is also uniquely his own (though not my favorite), and Inherent Vice is a terrific blend of his and Pynchon’s sensibilities.
 
But back to “Magnolia”…this scene is kinda his version of the Earthquake scene in Altman’s Short Cuts, it’s just weirder.
 
Cause…frogs. There are frogs falling from the sky.
 
But it’s still wonderfully cinematic. Some directors like to announce their presence in every scene of their work as opposed to just letting the story unfold and being invisible to the audience. PTA’s name is stamped in BOLD in every scene of this film. But that’s what I like about it. In many ways it’s the culminating point of that group of 20-something filmmakers who emerged in the ’90s.
 

Saving Private Ryan

 
Directed by Steven Spielberg

 

 

As a standalone sequence, the opening 21 minutes is a masterpiece of filmmaking.
 
It’s probably the most intense depiction of WWII brutality as ever staged on film. It’s just a scary sequence. It’s hard for our generation to comprehend how horrifying it must have been to be a part of this war.
 
I can’t even imagine.
 
Spielberg doesn’t glorify or polish the violence. It’s just ugly. The rest of the film is very good, and it’s directed with amazing skill, but I can’t say it’s the best script he’s ever had. His direction is masterful though. Compared to The Thin Red Line, which was unfairly overshadowed in ’98 by the success of this film, it’s not as psychologically or philosophically deep as that film, but it’s definitely more of a visceral, nerve-shaking experience.

 

Eyes Wide Shut

 
Directed by Stanley Kubrick
 

 

This is THE scene from this strange and mesmerizing final masterpiece by Stanley Kubrick. It’s funny how the hype for this movie was about how sexy it would be because it’s got Tom Cruise! Nicole Kidman! There’s an orgy!
 
And then when you finally get to the orgy scene it’s actually one of the spookiest, craziest, WTF moments in film history. The theatricality of it is incredible.
 
The entire sequence feels like something out of a gothic opera, especially when Cruise is finally confronted and forced to remove his mask. It’s just eerie.
 
Eyes Wide Shut is my #1 film of the ’90s, and I’ve often told people it’s quite possibly my favorite movie of all time.
 
I’ve watched it more times than any other movie, and it’s not because it has my favorite plot or favorite characters. It’s not because of the dialogue or writing, although it is superb. It’s not even because of the acting, which is also masterful by everyone involved. It’s just the way the movie is made. The FEEL of it, the pace, the visual storytelling.
 
It’s one of, if the not the most atmospheric movie I’ve ever seen. It’s dreamy, it’s nightmarish, it’s surreal, it’s operatic, it’s noir-ish, it’s just…ORIGINAL. It’s so damn original.
 
This is why Kubrick is Kubrick.
 
There’s no other film like this one. Nobody else in their right mind would EVER approach the subject matter of this story or shoot this script the way Kubrick did. I love the use of color. I love the framing. I love the zoom shots. The detail and level of control and mastery of filmmaking is from another planet. The viewer can watch this film on mute and it’s going to still be a captivating cinematic experience.
 
And also, something that isn’t talked about enough with EWS. It’s hilarious.
 
I’ve never agreed with the “cold” label he gets. This film certainly isn’t cold at all. There’s a devilish sense of humor that runs through the entire film right down to the final line. Cruise and Kidman are extraordinary here. The film is simply as cinematic as cinema gets.

 

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Seeing the finish line...

One of the many questions I've asked myself during this trying time was "Why did this happen?"

Of course the simple answer would be "Why not?"

But to put things a little more in perspective. Testicular cancer is considered to be a very rare form of cancer. Only 1% of cancers in males. Even more rare for Asian-americans. Overall 1 in 270 males have a chance to acquire the disease and almost half of all cases happen to men between the ages of 20 and 34.

So...lucky me?

After being diagnosed, my thoughts and memories often turned to all the loved ones that passed away from cancer.  I mourned their loss again. I longed for their counsel. I shared in their fear.  I'm sure there were moments in their diagnosis where they felt similar to me.

Feelings of fear, turning to sheer terror,  alternating with hope, then eventual acceptance.

How did they feel and what did they think as they reached the finish line of life?

I admit I still have fears and worries, but I'm finding them increasingly manageable as the days go by.

I guess if people were on the outside looking in at my situation,  if there is a  kind of cancer to get, the preferable one would be the one with an over 90% survival rate.

I'm still a bit worried that because of the kind of insurance coverage that I have. I won't have access to premium services. Short cuts might be made in my case when in other situations they wouldn't. Just getting my tumor removed required a bit of jerry rigging of the system. The specifics I rather not disclose. But I have to trust my doctors. They have covered for me this far.

At this point. I'm feeling positive about my prognosis. My tests all came back clean. CT scan showed no abnormalities. X-rays were clear. Blood tests were negative. The mass is now removed and no longer in my body. I'm hoping that it stayed isolated. I have a follow up with my urologist in a couple of weeks to discuss my treatment options.

My next step is possibly one dose of chemotherapy and or a radiation treatment, then I will have to observe and have periodic checkups every three months.

The drawback is that this will be for the next 5 to 10 years.

The most prominent issue I'm dealing with now is dealing with the loss of a testicle. Some occasional nausea. I spent so much time focusing on survival, I didn't really stop to consider the idea of losing a physical part of me. An important part of me.

Men spend their lives protecting that area. It's ingrained in us since we are little. Even wearing a cup in little league and a jock strap in sports to support that area. It's comical to think about the idea but it's true.

That area represents a man's virility, health and sexuality.

Does losing a testicle make me less of a man? Will my testosterone be too low? Will my sexual performance suffer? Will my peers view me differently knowing that I only have one testicle?

It's funny when you consider these things out loud. Of course the answer to all these concerns are probably no.

At least I hope they are.

But these are my honest fleeting thoughts. They were especially prominent before my surgery.

Post surgery, physically I feel fine.  I admit that there exists a strange feeling now. To have an empty space where there used to be something. Nerve endings that weren't previously exposed are now touching each other. I find myself adjusting often. Hopefully I won't do this too much unconsciously in public.

It's also clear I'm also gonna have to transition from boxers to boxer briefs. I'm acutely more conscious about what is going on down there now. I'm promising myself to not procrastinate about physical ailments.

Which brings us back to HOW did I get this disease? The traditional causes of cancer are not part of my lifestyle.  Cancer is not in my immediate family. I don't smoke. I rarely drink alcohol anymore. Don't experiment with drugs. It's been years since I've even had a hit of Marijuana. I like to think I live a relatively stress free lifestyle, although the idea of having four kids under the age of 7 may seem stressful to others.

I was able to come up with three possibilities. As far fetched as it sounds.

My first theory is my fondness for junk food. Erin is a supporter of this theory. And she is using this as an opportunity to change my diet and lifestyle. She's been after me for years to be more conscious of my diet and often has encouraged me to exercise more.

It's time to take up her flag. I can't fight her on this anymore. The truth is getting cancer has given her all the ammunition she needs.

Theory 2:  Radiation from Japan's Nuclear disaster.

Yeah... I know it's absurd. But I'm clutching at straws here.

And my final theory... radiation from my cellphone.

I keep my cellphone in my right front pocket. I've been doing it for years. I've observed  my phone overheating in the past while in my pocket and I've often wondered what harmful effects that the overheating and low level radiation may cause. Maybe whatever causes cancer was in me already and the overheating and radiation just triggered it?

I know it sounds ridiculous. As I said, it's a theory.

Whatever the cause of my my testicular mass. The truth is it doesn't matter.

I have had it in me, it's been removed and I will continue to fight the effects from it. My life will never be the same again.

And that's not necessarily a bad thing.

If there is a positive to take away from all this it's that this has made me more conscious of how precious life is.

It's made me see the finish line.

At the risk of sounding overly sentimental. It's made me appreciate my life more. My friendships. My family. I hug my kids a little tighter now. Made me more appreciative of Erin and our relationship.  I'm trying to not sweat the little things as much.  I'd like to think that it's given me a sharper perspective on what's important.

I know that this is just the beginning of this cancer challenge. But I can see the finish of this chapter. I'm confident I will beat this.

I'm also hoping it makes me a better person at the end. And lead to an overall better life for me and my family

I admit... I'm still scared. But I can see the finish line.

Not the scary kind of finish line though. The kind that features a victory celebration at the finish with all my friends and family.

Here are a couple of Testicular cancer facts I want to share. Hopefully it will inspire someone to take action. Maybe save someone some anxiety.


Most lumps or bumps down there are relatively harmless and tend not to be cancer. Some of the more common causes for testicular pain or swelling are infections, hernias, hydroceles and varicoceles.

The symptoms for testicular cancer also don't appear to be alarming at first. Many times there is no pain. The most common symptom is a painless lump. Sometimes it can be accompanied by a heavy or aching feeling in the lower belly or scrotum.

I can confirm that the feeling that I experienced was not alarming. In fact if it wasn't for straining my back moving a kiddie pool of water, I probably wouldn't have suspected anything. I actually  thought that my symptoms pointed to my condition being a hernia.

Some of the risk factors which contribute to testicular cancer are an undescended testicle, family history of testicular cancer,  HIV infection and carcinoma in situ. But since testicular cancer is so rare there isn't really an effective study which reveals notable risk factors.

Remember according to citations from Wikipedia:

Testicular cancer has one of the highest cure rates of all cancers: in excess of 90 percent overall; almost 100 percent if it has not spread (metastasized). Even for the relatively few cases in which malignant cancer has spread widely, modern chemotherapy offers a cure rate of at least 80%.

Don't wait! The sooner you deal with it the better! 

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Man of Steel - Movie Review by Lon Harris

 This review originally appeared on our legacy site PassMeThePopcorn 

In their “Phase 1” movies, Marvel carefully kept the action on a reasonable scale. “Iron Man,” “Thor” and “Captain America” all feel like event movies, but you can also feel them holding back, not showing you EVERYTHING these characters can do and every HUGE scenario and fight they could be involved in. They were made by filmmakers and a studio who knew that “Avengers” and sequels were coming.

 

"Man of Steel” – to its credit – doesn’t do any of that. I’d dare to say the closing 45 minutes of the movie are as epic, grandiose, over-the-top and impressive as anything in “The Avengers.”

I’ve read numerous comparisons between the close of this film and Michael Bay movies, but this assertion is ludicrous, saying more about critics who don’t really pay attention to visual effects sequences than the films themselves. Michael Bay action scenes are consistently incoherent and aesthetically unappealing, even ugly. “Man of Steel” is, by comparison, very pretty, and makes even the destruction of entire planets and globe-spanning fistfights clear, intense and easy to follow. Only the ambition and size of the sequences bares comparison with Bay.

 

I’m not sure if that bodes well for a “Justice League” movie or even more Metropolis-set follow-ups. Sort of feels like “where do we go from here?” will become a concern. How do you do more with Superman than having him flatten a city while facing off against an equally super-powered villain?

 

Action beats aside, there’s a lot to like about the movie. It really emphasizes the science-fiction aspect of the Superman legend, setting it immediately apart from the previous films and allowing for impressive, creative sets and designs throughout.

 

The complex Kryptonian back story, which always weighed down the Donner/Lester versions, is handled skillfully and efficiently, getting us to an Earth where there’s a Superman very quickly. (Handling a lot of the Ma and Pa Kent stuff in flashback works particularly well here, establishing both a young and mature Kal-El simultaneously to cut down as much as possible on familiar exposition.)

 

Henry Cavill lacks the charisma of Christopher Reeve (and isn’t given any screen time to establish Clark Kent as an adult), but definitely looks the part and makes for a much more compelling, convincing Superman than Brandon Routh. In fact, all the performances here are solid. I dare say, without Kevin Costner as Jonathan Kent and Michael Shannon as General Zod, the movie would not work half as well.

 

There are definitely some big storytelling gaps. We jump very quickly from setting up this version of Superman and the DC Universe into the main conflict of the film (the arrival/invasion of Zod), and it’s obvious that the rest of the film would have bigger stakes and be more exciting if we felt more connected to Clark Kent and Lois Lane as people. (Costner’s Pa Kent is the most relate-able, 3-dimensional character in the film, which is probably not a good thing.)

 

I’ve seen a lot of comparisons, as well, between the movie as a “video game cutscene.” Again, I’m not sure these reviewers are reacting to the action itself or the visual effects (which are largely stellar), but to the lack of well-drawn characters. Save Costner’s Pa Kent, the heroic characters in “Man of Steel” are ciphers.

 

Many of these people have names we recognize (like “Perry White”), but not much else going for them. Lois Lane acts more like a savvy investigative journalist than in the Margot Kidder interpretation, but still doesn’t get to do much apart from getting saved a lot and falling in love with an alien she hardly knows. Reliable actors like Richard Schiff, Christopher Meloni and Harry Lennix fill out the supporting cast, but never rise above the level of crudely-sketched types. Even evil Kryptoanian Faora-Ul (Antje Traue), the character that inspired the terrific villain Ursa in the Donner/Lester movies, shows up here assisting Zod, but she’s a total blank – nothing more than Zod’s second-in-command.

Over and over again, Snyder falls back on the fact that Superman is so iconic, and that all we need to see is a red cape and that S insignia to know who and what we’re dealing with, as a crutch. If you somehow didn’t already know a lot about Superman and what he stands for, you’d have a very hard time caring about the outcome of these events.

 

When it comes down to it, “Man of Steel” is a very good Superman movie. Just not a very good movie.

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Sleeping with the television on...

I sleep with the television on.

I've been doing it ever since I could remember. I suspect that maybe it started as a kid being afraid of the dark. But now it's not about that anymore.

As an adult, I need the television on to distract me from my thoughts so I can finally fall asleep. My thoughts aren't usually dark. Most of the time it's just trivial stuff. Funny memories. Tasks that need to be done. Thoughts about my friends and family. Ideas and regrets from the day.

I need the sounds from the television to keep my thoughts quiet.

Maybe it's also about being in a room that's alive while I'm asleep. To remind me there's a world waiting for me to wake up.  It took awhile for Erin to get used to it. She likes the television off when she sleeps. In fact, I still don't think she's used to it.

If the television is on while I'm sleeping and someone turns it off I'll wake up in a panic.

The silence can be deafening.

It's been hard getting some sleep lately.

Part of the obstacle is that I work graveyard shift. 12:00 am to 8 am. Not that I mind that. In fact, I rather enjoy it. It gives me more time to be with the kids and Erin. But combined with the visit to the E.R. and the day of tests, which I have experienced these previous two days, I've only been able to get maybe four hours sleep... total.

Today with nothing on the schedule I tried to get some winks.

It didn't work out so well.

My thoughts are running away with me.

It's exhausting.

I keep wondering what the hell is going on inside my body. Is the cancer growing? Is it multiplying?

This morning after breakfast Evie wanted to play her favorite game, Zombie with me. The game basically consists of me chasing her around the backyard till I catch her, tickle her and nibble on her body parts.

Evie will play this game with me for hours if she had her way. It's a game that only daddy can play with her. It's not the same with mommy.

She especially loves it when big brother Brayden joins in because she uses him as a human shield. They will often run away holding hands. They hide in places together and will protect each other when I catch one of them. Now that Bohdan is older he has joined in on the fun. Except he squeels in delight when I catch him. And cries when I get distracted and won't chase him.

He'll get the hang of it.

Nolan doesn't like it when daddy plays zombie. He's happy watching the action from inside the house within earshot of mommy. So that he can run to her in case I should turn my unwanted attention towards him through the window.

This morning while chasing Evie. I started experiencing phantom pains. I got winded after a few minutes. I felt like my stomach was cramping. Back was stiffening. I felt a little light headed. I became acutely aware of the air in my lungs and my ribs expanding.

My thoughts were....crap these are the advanced signs of cancer.

The game ended early to Evies' disappointment.

I shared my thoughts with Erin and she pointed out that likely I was just fatigued from lack of sleep.

Not to mention that I'm also a computer nerd that's old and out of shape. Cancer or not.

I decided to try and catch some winks.

I got maybe a couple of hours rest when my thoughts and fears took over. After awhile I got up angry. Pissed that there was nothing I could do. And completely ignorant about what was happening to me.

I want to fight but I don't know who the enemy is yet.

The thing that continues to haunt me is that I waited too long to share my concerns about the mass. I decided to research the symptoms that Tom Green and Lance Armstrong experienced before they finally got help.

Apparently Tom Green experienced similar symptoms. He was actually misdiagnosed at first and waited before he got a second opinion. He was actually experiencing pain down in the scrotum for awhile before he got help.

I don't have any pain. Just a heaviness down there.

Lance Armstrong however waited till he had blinding headaches and was coughing up blood. Blood!  His cancer spread to his brain and lungs and were in advanced stages.

I'm nowhere near that point.

Even with all those odds against him. He had four rounds of chemo-therapy and was able to beat it.

Granted I'm not a world champion athlete. But I like to think I have more will to survive than Lance did. I have four little reasons why I NEED to live.

I shared the info with Erin and she assured me that everything would be okay. She was confident that I would be fine.

She was sure of it.

 I was comforted by her resolve and determination.

I could use some more of that confidence not from just her but from myself.

I need to convince myself that everything is going to be fine. That this operation is going to be as routine as the surgery I received when I was getting my appendix out last year.

Noticing that I was up and awake, Evie requested we play more zombie.

This time we played until SHE got tired and ran out of gas.

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A day of tests...

I get off of work and the first thing I want to do is go to the hospital. 

I don't want to wait till 2pm for my appointment with my primary care physician to be referred to a urologist. I decide I will go to the ER of the UCLA affiliated hospital that my ER doctor recommended that will accept medi-cal.

I've waited and procrastinated long enough. 

Erin forces me to eat breakfast before I go. I hear Brayden open up the back door to go outside. Nolan jumps on my lap asking to watch YouTube videos. Evie is already asking if I could push her on the swing in the backyard. Bohdan points at my computer screen and says "Hulk". 

He likes watching Hulk smash things in the Marvel movies. I'm in the mood for it too. 

I kiss Erin goodbye before I leave. I start to breakdown. Erin comforts me.

I debate whether I really want to share my venting post from my initial diagnosis. 

I share the post on Facebook before I step out the door. 

While driving I hear the encouraging chimes of Facebook notifications I'm getting on my phone from my friends. 

The E.R waiting room is ridiculously crowded. There are a lot of sick people in the room. Lots of lines. Lots of doors. Lots of filled chairs. Lots of waiting. 

I move from check-in, then to two different nurse evaluation stations. 

Both times their initial question haunts me. "When did you first notice the mass?" I shake my head no in ignorance.

I don't remember. 

I'm approved for urgent care. 

After several hours I finally see the doctor. He reads me a checklist of symptoms.

I don't have any of them. At least I don't think I do. 

He physically checks my limp nodes and body for lumps. 

All clear.

He exams the testicle. Confirms it's a mass and says he'll schedule an appointment with the urologist. 

"It's cancer. But there are alot of different kinds of cancer."

I don't think there's any good kind.

One thing is for sure. The thing is coming out. So they could send it away to be analyzed.

Good riddance. 

"Please schedule something as soon as you can. I'm freaking out."

He comes back and says the urologist will see me "within the week."

My heart drops. 

But he also states that I will get a round of tests today. Blood tests. X-Rays. Another sonogram and then a C.T. scan.  

It's more than I expected. At least today will be productive. 

I wait.

Each testing station has a waiting room. I'm constantly reminded there are a ton of other sick people in this world too. I overhear a young lady say she was diagnosed with breast cancer. 

She can't be over 22.

I can't get reception in the hospital. Occasionally, it breaks through and I'm able to read some Facebook comments from my post. I'm profoundly touched whenever I read a new one. I get emotional several times throughout the day while reading.  I'm sure it looks weird. 

When I can't get reception. I look at family pics on the phone. I miss Erin and the kids. 

I watch the blood as they draw it from me into the vials. 

Are there cancer cells swimming around in there? 

The x-ray room is dark. Comically, I start to undress. And the guy tells me to keep everything on. I remember it's still unusual for people to see me naked.  He then has me contort into a weird standing position. Arms in the air. Chin up. Back straight. Chest out. Shoulders touching the platform. I'm wearing what feels like a bulletproof apron around my waist. He points the x-ray machine at me. Back and side x-rays. I hope this thing doesn't give me cancer. 

As I leave the room. I try to peek at the x-rays. Not sure what I'd be looking for. I know from watching movies that if I see black spots that's probably not a good sign. I don't see anything in the split second I peek.

When it's time for the sonogram I'm comforted by the fact that I already know the results of that test. But doubts start to creep in. What if they find more? I over-analyze everything.

He asks my favorite question. "When did you first notice the mass?"

He leaves the room for a bit. I realize I'm laying down with everything covered and only my scrotum exposed. Must be a funny sight. 

The doctor catches me in the hall. Two of your blood tests came back negative. Waiting for a third. He walks off.

Negative for what? I already know that I have cancer. I realize he means for other kinds of cancers. At least I think that's what he means.

More waiting.

It's been three hours since my last test. I'm still waiting for the C.A.T. Scan. They need to do another blood test for my kidneys to be sure it's safe to use the iodine during the test. 

The guy sharing the waiting room with me is a victim from a stabbing. Got stabbed seven times. He has a piss bag. He's having complications from the surgery. He shares that he has fluid in his lungs.

I picture one of my kids his age. How do I prevent something like that happening to one of them? What if that happens to me? What if I was ever in the wrong place at the wrong time? What would happen to my kids? 

Doctor comes over to me. The blood tests came back negative.  I ask him what that means. He tells me that they test for different levels to determine kinds of cancer. 

"So basically  it's some good news right?"  He confirms its good. 

I walk into the CT scan room and the operator is saying a prayer. Is he praying for me? That's a nice gesture. Or maybe he's just talking to himself with his eyes closed holding his hand over a book.   

I lay down on the CT scan gurney. "You might get a warm feeling from the iodine in your blood."  

Scary thoughts run through my head. 

This is likely the test that will determine if the cancer has spread. 

The voice prompts me. Take a breath....hold it....and breath. The gurney slides into the center of the circular machine ominously. I see something in the machine spinning. Is something going to come out? 

The machine focuses first on my chest, then my head, than my groin. 

The guy running the test comes in. "Raymond, What are you being tested for? What is your ailment?" I tell him about my mass in my testicle. "But no pain anywhere right?"  I confirm that is correct. 

He leaves. I think ...does that mean he didn't see anything? Maybe.... it means he saw too much. 

He does another pass on my groin. 

I ask when will I be able to discuss the results with a doctor. The nurse informs me that the urologist will go over it with me. 

"When will that be? "

Sometime in the week I should get a call. If I don't hear anything I have to call or come back to urgent care again. 

Holy. I think to myself. They might not get back to me within the week? A whole week? I'd really get lost in the system like that?  Seriously?

So...like it or not...it's the waiting game.  

I really wish I could find out the results sooner. I wish I could know what was in the results.

I'd give up my right nut to find out. 

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I have cancer... and I'm scared

Yesterday, after a visit with the doctor they confirmed that I have a mass in my right testicle.

I'm scared.

I'm also angry at myself because I waited longer than I needed to. I keep beating myself up about that. What was I thinking?

So stupid.

Obviously, a part of me was in denial. I'm the poster child for procrastination. I'm not sure it's productive to keep beating myself up about it. But I can't help it.

Thoughts of the cancer spreading is keeping my mind racing. A big part of me just wants to go to the kitchen counter, grab a knife and cut the mass out myself. I hate that it's inside me.

My next step is to have my primary care practitioner refer me to a urologist. I have an appointment today.  But another option is to go to another hospital that the ER doctor recommended from UCLA and hope their referral will get me to see a urologist sooner.

I don't have insurance. I have medi-cal or whatever they are calling it now.

I hope I don't slip through the cracks.

I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm writing this.

I read on The Testicular Cancer Society page that I should start a page on the subject. To keep loved ones "updated". But I suspect it's more about venting.

Which I admit IS helping me right now.

Keeps me out of my head. Keeps me from pacing. Keeps me from imagining the worst case scenarios and from beating myself up too much.  I decided to write this post here on my old blog, Ray's Lucky 13. Maybe it will bring me some luck. It's been awhile. Maybe nobody will read it. I don't know.

I have been working on my entertainment blog mostly nowadays. But I don't think this subject is appropriate for that site.

I don't think ball cancer qualifies as entertainment.

I keep thinking of cancer movies.

50/50 with Joseph Gordon Levitt and Seth Rogen has a happy ending. But more often than not cancer movies don't end well.  I know Tom Green had testicular cancer and is alive and well. So is Lance Armstrong. In fact according to stats, recovery is very high for testicular cancer. On average over 90%.

I hope I'm not in the minority.

I'm scared my kids are gonna grow up without a father. I'm scared Erin will have to raise them alone.

I don't want to die.

Kids are asleep right now. I just want to hug them so hard that I'm inside of them. Like a warm blanket.

I know people will say don't worry. Everything will be fine.

But will it?

I'm scared.

I'm tired of reading cancer information sites.

Best case scenario is surgery. Chemotherapy. Radiation.

Fun.

I keep thinking I'm experiencing advanced signs of the cancer. Back pain. Stomach pain. Fevers. Headaches.  It's probably just in my head.

Probably.

To be honest,  I didn't really have many signs besides the hard feel of my testicle and the heaviness down there. I strained my back moving the kiddie pool a couple of weeks back. So a part of me thought that the groin pain was because I pulled something.

I was hoping it was a hernia.

I guess I also felt fatigue. But I work graveyard shift and I don't really get to sleep well, so I'm sort of always tired. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't suspect something sooner. I kept waiting for another symptom. To get me going.

So stupid. No excuse.

Don't borrow trouble. Stay positive.

That's what Erin says and I keep telling myself.

It was hard telling Erin. Then telling my mom and sister. I felt like I let them down.

Not sure if I'm crying for them or for myself.

I'm not sure why I'm telling you. I don't really want the drama.

But I'm scared.

Keep happy thoughts. Stay positive.

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