An Appreciation of 1990’s films by Ari Dassa

 

An Appreciation of 1990’s films

By Ari Dassa

 
I still think of the 1990’s in film as contemporary even though it’s not anymore.
 
I definitely spend more time with 90s movies than I do with stuff from the last 10 or 15 years. There’s been a ton of great work, but it’s never really reached the same level or had the same influence or effect on me.
 
I always like recommending films from this era to people.
 
So here’s some film that I feel are defining moments of the 1990’s in film for me.
 

The Thin Red Line

 
Directed by Terrence Malick
 

First up is this piece from Terrence Malick’s groundbreaking WWII stunner The Thin Red Line. This 9 minutes is pretty much a masterclass in filmmaking, especially from an editing standpoint. The way it builds, the perspective it gives on each side, the moments of quick-cut brutality and the lingering shots of the malnourished Japanese soldiers.
 
It’s incredible.
 
This is one of the few WWII films that refuses to have “bad guys”. The Japanese soldiers are portrayed as human, just as the Americans are, and this sequence shows the absurdity, confusion and ugliness of war in such a visceral, emotional way.
 
It’s also, for me, Hans Zimmer’s greatest moment as film composer. The voice-over throughout the film is poignant and powerful, like this ensemble internal monologue from all the characters. Scorsese said it best when discussing the film. “They are not many voices, they are one voice”. “The Thin Red Line” (1998) dir: Terrence Malick.

 

 

Clockers

 
Directed by Spike Lee
 

This is Spike Lee’s mastery all summed up in one scene.
 
Relevant commentary, personal storytelling, and brilliant cinematic technique to express it.
 
So so good.
 
Not sure why this film gets left out when discussing Spike’s best work.
 
It’s easily one of his best.

 

 

 

 

Casino

 
Directed by Martin Scorsese
 

 

 

A beast of a movie. A BEAST.
 
One could say it’s the 3rd installment of Martin Scorsese’s thematic gangster trilogy of Mean Streets, Goodfellas and this. And it’s as epic a conclusion as it gets. It often gets overlooked because Goodfellas came first and has a similar style, but make no mistake, it’s just as masterful and ambitious, not to mention bigger and darker.
 
It’s hard to choose one moment from this film. There’s the introduction to the Tangiers and how it operates, there’s the “Cheater’s Justice” scene, there’s the infamous “vice” scene that serves as the extreme of all extremes in showing the ugly violence of the mafia lifestyle….but I’m choosing this exchange between Pesci and De Niro because I love the back and forth dialogue and how vicious and funny it is (the film is darkly comic all the way through).
 
Pesci is a monster in this film and gives a monster performance.
 
Scorsese just has to make these awful people so damn likable though. Not because he’s glorifying them, but because he insists on portraying them as people with the same ups and downs as everyone else, but with a different moral outlook.
 

 

 

Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai

 
Directed by Jim Jarmusch
 

One of the most original films of the decade.
 

 

Forest Whitaker plays the title character, a quiet assassin who lives by the code of the Samurai. The East Coast vibe mixed with RZA’s soundtrack and use of rap music makes this a unique entry in the gangster film genre.
 
It’s written and directed by the always fascinating Jim Jarmusch. Nothing is ordinary in his films.
 
This film is extraordinary.

 

 

Naked

 
Directed by Mike Leigh
 

LISTEN to this movie a couple times to fully get it because there are so many ideas unleashed from beginning to end that it’s kinda overwhelming on the first viewing.
 
David Thewlis gives a performance here that goes down as one of my all time favorites. And it’s weird, because if a more famous actor did this role I’m pretty sure EVERYONE would recognize it as being a monumental moment in screen acting. His character doesn’t shut up, constantly spewing out thoughts and reflections about himself and the world in sometimes bleak, sometimes comical, often times incendiary fashion.
 
The film is darkly brilliant and impossible to shake. You have to watch it if you haven’t seen it. And just listen to it.

 

The Matrix

 
Directed by Lana & Andy Wachowski
 

 
This movie is my comfort food.
 
I’ve said this before…there is no other movie that mixes together my favorite escapist genres and ideas the way this one does. One has to have a twisted sci-fi premise, The film has martial arts sequences, It has the cyber-punk influence, the anime influence, the philosophical element that allows one to sit and think about it, the use of mythological references, AND the single best CGI action-effect ever.
 
It’s just awesome.
 
What’s original about the film is the way the blend of ideas turned out. All this stuff has been done before, but not like this. The Wachowskis call the film “fusion art”, and that’s probably the most accurate way to describe it.
 
It’s also the best action film of the ’90s, and still, to this day, has not been topped.
 
Fury Road gets close, but there’s still nothing quite as jaw-dropping as the first time we got a look at this sequence. Basically everything from the lobby shootout to when Neo saves Trinity in the helicopter crash is on another level of action spectacle and VFX.
 
Also worth pointing out…this film won an Oscar for Best Film Editing. And it is so so well earned. Because seriously….this:
 

The Player

 
Directed by Robert Altman

 

 

Can we talk about something other than Hollywood for a change? We’re educated people.

 

I’m posting the trailer for the film since there aren’t a lot of individual scenes in high quality on youtube. But this is one of the best dark comedies there is, and one of my favorite Altman films. It’s so sharp, funny, dark, well acted. The cast is enormous, but Tim Robbins really shines in the lead role as a Hollywood executive who kills a writer he thinks is threatening him, but of course it’s the wrong guy.
 
As far as Hollywood satires go, this is one of the best. There are a ton of fun cameos, but it’s not a gimmicky movie. Altman was such a smart filmmaker.
 
I’m trying to think if we have someone like him today…hmmm…coming up with…nope, no one.
 

 Magnolia

 
Directed by Paul Thomas Anderson
 

 
This sequence gets a lot of attention because of how out there it is, and even though it’s not my favorite moment in the film, it’s still a defining moment, a memorable one, a sequence you never forget from one of the most ambitious films of the ’90s.
 
What I still love about Magnolia is the energy of PTA’s writing and direction. We know it’s the work of a young film prodigy (he was 29, I believe, when he made this) and it bursts with creativity, emotion, amazing camerawork and a genuine love of the medium. The performances are excellent, the characters are people you identify with, the music is used so effectively. This is when PTA was still at that stage of mixing together his influences of Altman and Scorsese (and various others from the 70s), and interestingly enough, I feel like it’s because of this film that he went in a completely different direction with the rest of his career.
 
It’s like he got it out of his system with this film.
 
People debate whether they prefer young PTA vs who he is today. I just love his progression and how he continues to evolve. For me he became a complete original with his next film, Punch Drunk Love (2002), and then took his level to insane heights with his masterpiece, There Will Be Blood. The Master is also uniquely his own (though not my favorite), and Inherent Vice is a terrific blend of his and Pynchon’s sensibilities.
 
But back to “Magnolia”…this scene is kinda his version of the Earthquake scene in Altman’s Short Cuts, it’s just weirder.
 
Cause…frogs. There are frogs falling from the sky.
 
But it’s still wonderfully cinematic. Some directors like to announce their presence in every scene of their work as opposed to just letting the story unfold and being invisible to the audience. PTA’s name is stamped in BOLD in every scene of this film. But that’s what I like about it. In many ways it’s the culminating point of that group of 20-something filmmakers who emerged in the ’90s.
 

Saving Private Ryan

 
Directed by Steven Spielberg

 

 

As a standalone sequence, the opening 21 minutes is a masterpiece of filmmaking.
 
It’s probably the most intense depiction of WWII brutality as ever staged on film. It’s just a scary sequence. It’s hard for our generation to comprehend how horrifying it must have been to be a part of this war.
 
I can’t even imagine.
 
Spielberg doesn’t glorify or polish the violence. It’s just ugly. The rest of the film is very good, and it’s directed with amazing skill, but I can’t say it’s the best script he’s ever had. His direction is masterful though. Compared to The Thin Red Line, which was unfairly overshadowed in ’98 by the success of this film, it’s not as psychologically or philosophically deep as that film, but it’s definitely more of a visceral, nerve-shaking experience.

 

Eyes Wide Shut

 
Directed by Stanley Kubrick
 

 

This is THE scene from this strange and mesmerizing final masterpiece by Stanley Kubrick. It’s funny how the hype for this movie was about how sexy it would be because it’s got Tom Cruise! Nicole Kidman! There’s an orgy!
 
And then when you finally get to the orgy scene it’s actually one of the spookiest, craziest, WTF moments in film history. The theatricality of it is incredible.
 
The entire sequence feels like something out of a gothic opera, especially when Cruise is finally confronted and forced to remove his mask. It’s just eerie.
 
Eyes Wide Shut is my #1 film of the ’90s, and I’ve often told people it’s quite possibly my favorite movie of all time.
 
I’ve watched it more times than any other movie, and it’s not because it has my favorite plot or favorite characters. It’s not because of the dialogue or writing, although it is superb. It’s not even because of the acting, which is also masterful by everyone involved. It’s just the way the movie is made. The FEEL of it, the pace, the visual storytelling.
 
It’s one of, if the not the most atmospheric movie I’ve ever seen. It’s dreamy, it’s nightmarish, it’s surreal, it’s operatic, it’s noir-ish, it’s just…ORIGINAL. It’s so damn original.
 
This is why Kubrick is Kubrick.
 
There’s no other film like this one. Nobody else in their right mind would EVER approach the subject matter of this story or shoot this script the way Kubrick did. I love the use of color. I love the framing. I love the zoom shots. The detail and level of control and mastery of filmmaking is from another planet. The viewer can watch this film on mute and it’s going to still be a captivating cinematic experience.
 
And also, something that isn’t talked about enough with EWS. It’s hilarious.
 
I’ve never agreed with the “cold” label he gets. This film certainly isn’t cold at all. There’s a devilish sense of humor that runs through the entire film right down to the final line. Cruise and Kidman are extraordinary here. The film is simply as cinematic as cinema gets.

 

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Seeing the finish line...

One of the many questions I've asked myself during this trying time was "Why did this happen?"

Of course the simple answer would be "Why not?"

But to put things a little more in perspective. Testicular cancer is considered to be a very rare form of cancer. Only 1% of cancers in males. Even more rare for Asian-americans. Overall 1 in 270 males have a chance to acquire the disease and almost half of all cases happen to men between the ages of 20 and 34.

So...lucky me?

After being diagnosed, my thoughts and memories often turned to all the loved ones that passed away from cancer.  I mourned their loss again. I longed for their counsel. I shared in their fear.  I'm sure there were moments in their diagnosis where they felt similar to me.

Feelings of fear, turning to sheer terror,  alternating with hope, then eventual acceptance.

How did they feel and what did they think as they reached the finish line of life?

I admit I still have fears and worries, but I'm finding them increasingly manageable as the days go by.

I guess if people were on the outside looking in at my situation,  if there is a  kind of cancer to get, the preferable one would be the one with an over 90% survival rate.

I'm still a bit worried that because of the kind of insurance coverage that I have. I won't have access to premium services. Short cuts might be made in my case when in other situations they wouldn't. Just getting my tumor removed required a bit of jerry rigging of the system. The specifics I rather not disclose. But I have to trust my doctors. They have covered for me this far.

At this point. I'm feeling positive about my prognosis. My tests all came back clean. CT scan showed no abnormalities. X-rays were clear. Blood tests were negative. The mass is now removed and no longer in my body. I'm hoping that it stayed isolated. I have a follow up with my urologist in a couple of weeks to discuss my treatment options.

My next step is possibly one dose of chemotherapy and or a radiation treatment, then I will have to observe and have periodic checkups every three months.

The drawback is that this will be for the next 5 to 10 years.

The most prominent issue I'm dealing with now is dealing with the loss of a testicle. Some occasional nausea. I spent so much time focusing on survival, I didn't really stop to consider the idea of losing a physical part of me. An important part of me.

Men spend their lives protecting that area. It's ingrained in us since we are little. Even wearing a cup in little league and a jock strap in sports to support that area. It's comical to think about the idea but it's true.

That area represents a man's virility, health and sexuality.

Does losing a testicle make me less of a man? Will my testosterone be too low? Will my sexual performance suffer? Will my peers view me differently knowing that I only have one testicle?

It's funny when you consider these things out loud. Of course the answer to all these concerns are probably no.

At least I hope they are.

But these are my honest fleeting thoughts. They were especially prominent before my surgery.

Post surgery, physically I feel fine.  I admit that there exists a strange feeling now. To have an empty space where there used to be something. Nerve endings that weren't previously exposed are now touching each other. I find myself adjusting often. Hopefully I won't do this too much unconsciously in public.

It's also clear I'm also gonna have to transition from boxers to boxer briefs. I'm acutely more conscious about what is going on down there now. I'm promising myself to not procrastinate about physical ailments.

Which brings us back to HOW did I get this disease? The traditional causes of cancer are not part of my lifestyle.  Cancer is not in my immediate family. I don't smoke. I rarely drink alcohol anymore. Don't experiment with drugs. It's been years since I've even had a hit of Marijuana. I like to think I live a relatively stress free lifestyle, although the idea of having four kids under the age of 7 may seem stressful to others.

I was able to come up with three possibilities. As far fetched as it sounds.

My first theory is my fondness for junk food. Erin is a supporter of this theory. And she is using this as an opportunity to change my diet and lifestyle. She's been after me for years to be more conscious of my diet and often has encouraged me to exercise more.

It's time to take up her flag. I can't fight her on this anymore. The truth is getting cancer has given her all the ammunition she needs.

Theory 2:  Radiation from Japan's Nuclear disaster.

Yeah... I know it's absurd. But I'm clutching at straws here.

And my final theory... radiation from my cellphone.

I keep my cellphone in my right front pocket. I've been doing it for years. I've observed  my phone overheating in the past while in my pocket and I've often wondered what harmful effects that the overheating and low level radiation may cause. Maybe whatever causes cancer was in me already and the overheating and radiation just triggered it?

I know it sounds ridiculous. As I said, it's a theory.

Whatever the cause of my my testicular mass. The truth is it doesn't matter.

I have had it in me, it's been removed and I will continue to fight the effects from it. My life will never be the same again.

And that's not necessarily a bad thing.

If there is a positive to take away from all this it's that this has made me more conscious of how precious life is.

It's made me see the finish line.

At the risk of sounding overly sentimental. It's made me appreciate my life more. My friendships. My family. I hug my kids a little tighter now. Made me more appreciative of Erin and our relationship.  I'm trying to not sweat the little things as much.  I'd like to think that it's given me a sharper perspective on what's important.

I know that this is just the beginning of this cancer challenge. But I can see the finish of this chapter. I'm confident I will beat this.

I'm also hoping it makes me a better person at the end. And lead to an overall better life for me and my family

I admit... I'm still scared. But I can see the finish line.

Not the scary kind of finish line though. The kind that features a victory celebration at the finish with all my friends and family.

Here are a couple of Testicular cancer facts I want to share. Hopefully it will inspire someone to take action. Maybe save someone some anxiety.


Most lumps or bumps down there are relatively harmless and tend not to be cancer. Some of the more common causes for testicular pain or swelling are infections, hernias, hydroceles and varicoceles.

The symptoms for testicular cancer also don't appear to be alarming at first. Many times there is no pain. The most common symptom is a painless lump. Sometimes it can be accompanied by a heavy or aching feeling in the lower belly or scrotum.

I can confirm that the feeling that I experienced was not alarming. In fact if it wasn't for straining my back moving a kiddie pool of water, I probably wouldn't have suspected anything. I actually  thought that my symptoms pointed to my condition being a hernia.

Some of the risk factors which contribute to testicular cancer are an undescended testicle, family history of testicular cancer,  HIV infection and carcinoma in situ. But since testicular cancer is so rare there isn't really an effective study which reveals notable risk factors.

Remember according to citations from Wikipedia:

Testicular cancer has one of the highest cure rates of all cancers: in excess of 90 percent overall; almost 100 percent if it has not spread (metastasized). Even for the relatively few cases in which malignant cancer has spread widely, modern chemotherapy offers a cure rate of at least 80%.

Don't wait! The sooner you deal with it the better! 

READ HERE »

Man of Steel - Movie Review by Lon Harris

 This review originally appeared on our legacy site PassMeThePopcorn 

In their “Phase 1” movies, Marvel carefully kept the action on a reasonable scale. “Iron Man,” “Thor” and “Captain America” all feel like event movies, but you can also feel them holding back, not showing you EVERYTHING these characters can do and every HUGE scenario and fight they could be involved in. They were made by filmmakers and a studio who knew that “Avengers” and sequels were coming.

 

"Man of Steel” – to its credit – doesn’t do any of that. I’d dare to say the closing 45 minutes of the movie are as epic, grandiose, over-the-top and impressive as anything in “The Avengers.”

I’ve read numerous comparisons between the close of this film and Michael Bay movies, but this assertion is ludicrous, saying more about critics who don’t really pay attention to visual effects sequences than the films themselves. Michael Bay action scenes are consistently incoherent and aesthetically unappealing, even ugly. “Man of Steel” is, by comparison, very pretty, and makes even the destruction of entire planets and globe-spanning fistfights clear, intense and easy to follow. Only the ambition and size of the sequences bares comparison with Bay.

 

I’m not sure if that bodes well for a “Justice League” movie or even more Metropolis-set follow-ups. Sort of feels like “where do we go from here?” will become a concern. How do you do more with Superman than having him flatten a city while facing off against an equally super-powered villain?

 

Action beats aside, there’s a lot to like about the movie. It really emphasizes the science-fiction aspect of the Superman legend, setting it immediately apart from the previous films and allowing for impressive, creative sets and designs throughout.

 

The complex Kryptonian back story, which always weighed down the Donner/Lester versions, is handled skillfully and efficiently, getting us to an Earth where there’s a Superman very quickly. (Handling a lot of the Ma and Pa Kent stuff in flashback works particularly well here, establishing both a young and mature Kal-El simultaneously to cut down as much as possible on familiar exposition.)

 

Henry Cavill lacks the charisma of Christopher Reeve (and isn’t given any screen time to establish Clark Kent as an adult), but definitely looks the part and makes for a much more compelling, convincing Superman than Brandon Routh. In fact, all the performances here are solid. I dare say, without Kevin Costner as Jonathan Kent and Michael Shannon as General Zod, the movie would not work half as well.

 

There are definitely some big storytelling gaps. We jump very quickly from setting up this version of Superman and the DC Universe into the main conflict of the film (the arrival/invasion of Zod), and it’s obvious that the rest of the film would have bigger stakes and be more exciting if we felt more connected to Clark Kent and Lois Lane as people. (Costner’s Pa Kent is the most relate-able, 3-dimensional character in the film, which is probably not a good thing.)

 

I’ve seen a lot of comparisons, as well, between the movie as a “video game cutscene.” Again, I’m not sure these reviewers are reacting to the action itself or the visual effects (which are largely stellar), but to the lack of well-drawn characters. Save Costner’s Pa Kent, the heroic characters in “Man of Steel” are ciphers.

 

Many of these people have names we recognize (like “Perry White”), but not much else going for them. Lois Lane acts more like a savvy investigative journalist than in the Margot Kidder interpretation, but still doesn’t get to do much apart from getting saved a lot and falling in love with an alien she hardly knows. Reliable actors like Richard Schiff, Christopher Meloni and Harry Lennix fill out the supporting cast, but never rise above the level of crudely-sketched types. Even evil Kryptoanian Faora-Ul (Antje Traue), the character that inspired the terrific villain Ursa in the Donner/Lester movies, shows up here assisting Zod, but she’s a total blank – nothing more than Zod’s second-in-command.

Over and over again, Snyder falls back on the fact that Superman is so iconic, and that all we need to see is a red cape and that S insignia to know who and what we’re dealing with, as a crutch. If you somehow didn’t already know a lot about Superman and what he stands for, you’d have a very hard time caring about the outcome of these events.

 

When it comes down to it, “Man of Steel” is a very good Superman movie. Just not a very good movie.

READ HERE »

Sleeping with the television on...

I sleep with the television on.

I've been doing it ever since I could remember. I suspect that maybe it started as a kid being afraid of the dark. But now it's not about that anymore.

As an adult, I need the television on to distract me from my thoughts so I can finally fall asleep. My thoughts aren't usually dark. Most of the time it's just trivial stuff. Funny memories. Tasks that need to be done. Thoughts about my friends and family. Ideas and regrets from the day.

I need the sounds from the television to keep my thoughts quiet.

Maybe it's also about being in a room that's alive while I'm asleep. To remind me there's a world waiting for me to wake up.  It took awhile for Erin to get used to it. She likes the television off when she sleeps. In fact, I still don't think she's used to it.

If the television is on while I'm sleeping and someone turns it off I'll wake up in a panic.

The silence can be deafening.

It's been hard getting some sleep lately.

Part of the obstacle is that I work graveyard shift. 12:00 am to 8 am. Not that I mind that. In fact, I rather enjoy it. It gives me more time to be with the kids and Erin. But combined with the visit to the E.R. and the day of tests, which I have experienced these previous two days, I've only been able to get maybe four hours sleep... total.

Today with nothing on the schedule I tried to get some winks.

It didn't work out so well.

My thoughts are running away with me.

It's exhausting.

I keep wondering what the hell is going on inside my body. Is the cancer growing? Is it multiplying?

This morning after breakfast Evie wanted to play her favorite game, Zombie with me. The game basically consists of me chasing her around the backyard till I catch her, tickle her and nibble on her body parts.

Evie will play this game with me for hours if she had her way. It's a game that only daddy can play with her. It's not the same with mommy.

She especially loves it when big brother Brayden joins in because she uses him as a human shield. They will often run away holding hands. They hide in places together and will protect each other when I catch one of them. Now that Bohdan is older he has joined in on the fun. Except he squeels in delight when I catch him. And cries when I get distracted and won't chase him.

He'll get the hang of it.

Nolan doesn't like it when daddy plays zombie. He's happy watching the action from inside the house within earshot of mommy. So that he can run to her in case I should turn my unwanted attention towards him through the window.

This morning while chasing Evie. I started experiencing phantom pains. I got winded after a few minutes. I felt like my stomach was cramping. Back was stiffening. I felt a little light headed. I became acutely aware of the air in my lungs and my ribs expanding.

My thoughts were....crap these are the advanced signs of cancer.

The game ended early to Evies' disappointment.

I shared my thoughts with Erin and she pointed out that likely I was just fatigued from lack of sleep.

Not to mention that I'm also a computer nerd that's old and out of shape. Cancer or not.

I decided to try and catch some winks.

I got maybe a couple of hours rest when my thoughts and fears took over. After awhile I got up angry. Pissed that there was nothing I could do. And completely ignorant about what was happening to me.

I want to fight but I don't know who the enemy is yet.

The thing that continues to haunt me is that I waited too long to share my concerns about the mass. I decided to research the symptoms that Tom Green and Lance Armstrong experienced before they finally got help.

Apparently Tom Green experienced similar symptoms. He was actually misdiagnosed at first and waited before he got a second opinion. He was actually experiencing pain down in the scrotum for awhile before he got help.

I don't have any pain. Just a heaviness down there.

Lance Armstrong however waited till he had blinding headaches and was coughing up blood. Blood!  His cancer spread to his brain and lungs and were in advanced stages.

I'm nowhere near that point.

Even with all those odds against him. He had four rounds of chemo-therapy and was able to beat it.

Granted I'm not a world champion athlete. But I like to think I have more will to survive than Lance did. I have four little reasons why I NEED to live.

I shared the info with Erin and she assured me that everything would be okay. She was confident that I would be fine.

She was sure of it.

 I was comforted by her resolve and determination.

I could use some more of that confidence not from just her but from myself.

I need to convince myself that everything is going to be fine. That this operation is going to be as routine as the surgery I received when I was getting my appendix out last year.

Noticing that I was up and awake, Evie requested we play more zombie.

This time we played until SHE got tired and ran out of gas.

READ HERE »

A day of tests...

I get off of work and the first thing I want to do is go to the hospital. 

I don't want to wait till 2pm for my appointment with my primary care physician to be referred to a urologist. I decide I will go to the ER of the UCLA affiliated hospital that my ER doctor recommended that will accept medi-cal.

I've waited and procrastinated long enough. 

Erin forces me to eat breakfast before I go. I hear Brayden open up the back door to go outside. Nolan jumps on my lap asking to watch YouTube videos. Evie is already asking if I could push her on the swing in the backyard. Bohdan points at my computer screen and says "Hulk". 

He likes watching Hulk smash things in the Marvel movies. I'm in the mood for it too. 

I kiss Erin goodbye before I leave. I start to breakdown. Erin comforts me.

I debate whether I really want to share my venting post from my initial diagnosis. 

I share the post on Facebook before I step out the door. 

While driving I hear the encouraging chimes of Facebook notifications I'm getting on my phone from my friends. 

The E.R waiting room is ridiculously crowded. There are a lot of sick people in the room. Lots of lines. Lots of doors. Lots of filled chairs. Lots of waiting. 

I move from check-in, then to two different nurse evaluation stations. 

Both times their initial question haunts me. "When did you first notice the mass?" I shake my head no in ignorance.

I don't remember. 

I'm approved for urgent care. 

After several hours I finally see the doctor. He reads me a checklist of symptoms.

I don't have any of them. At least I don't think I do. 

He physically checks my limp nodes and body for lumps. 

All clear.

He exams the testicle. Confirms it's a mass and says he'll schedule an appointment with the urologist. 

"It's cancer. But there are alot of different kinds of cancer."

I don't think there's any good kind.

One thing is for sure. The thing is coming out. So they could send it away to be analyzed.

Good riddance. 

"Please schedule something as soon as you can. I'm freaking out."

He comes back and says the urologist will see me "within the week."

My heart drops. 

But he also states that I will get a round of tests today. Blood tests. X-Rays. Another sonogram and then a C.T. scan.  

It's more than I expected. At least today will be productive. 

I wait.

Each testing station has a waiting room. I'm constantly reminded there are a ton of other sick people in this world too. I overhear a young lady say she was diagnosed with breast cancer. 

She can't be over 22.

I can't get reception in the hospital. Occasionally, it breaks through and I'm able to read some Facebook comments from my post. I'm profoundly touched whenever I read a new one. I get emotional several times throughout the day while reading.  I'm sure it looks weird. 

When I can't get reception. I look at family pics on the phone. I miss Erin and the kids. 

I watch the blood as they draw it from me into the vials. 

Are there cancer cells swimming around in there? 

The x-ray room is dark. Comically, I start to undress. And the guy tells me to keep everything on. I remember it's still unusual for people to see me naked.  He then has me contort into a weird standing position. Arms in the air. Chin up. Back straight. Chest out. Shoulders touching the platform. I'm wearing what feels like a bulletproof apron around my waist. He points the x-ray machine at me. Back and side x-rays. I hope this thing doesn't give me cancer. 

As I leave the room. I try to peek at the x-rays. Not sure what I'd be looking for. I know from watching movies that if I see black spots that's probably not a good sign. I don't see anything in the split second I peek.

When it's time for the sonogram I'm comforted by the fact that I already know the results of that test. But doubts start to creep in. What if they find more? I over-analyze everything.

He asks my favorite question. "When did you first notice the mass?"

He leaves the room for a bit. I realize I'm laying down with everything covered and only my scrotum exposed. Must be a funny sight. 

The doctor catches me in the hall. Two of your blood tests came back negative. Waiting for a third. He walks off.

Negative for what? I already know that I have cancer. I realize he means for other kinds of cancers. At least I think that's what he means.

More waiting.

It's been three hours since my last test. I'm still waiting for the C.A.T. Scan. They need to do another blood test for my kidneys to be sure it's safe to use the iodine during the test. 

The guy sharing the waiting room with me is a victim from a stabbing. Got stabbed seven times. He has a piss bag. He's having complications from the surgery. He shares that he has fluid in his lungs.

I picture one of my kids his age. How do I prevent something like that happening to one of them? What if that happens to me? What if I was ever in the wrong place at the wrong time? What would happen to my kids? 

Doctor comes over to me. The blood tests came back negative.  I ask him what that means. He tells me that they test for different levels to determine kinds of cancer. 

"So basically  it's some good news right?"  He confirms its good. 

I walk into the CT scan room and the operator is saying a prayer. Is he praying for me? That's a nice gesture. Or maybe he's just talking to himself with his eyes closed holding his hand over a book.   

I lay down on the CT scan gurney. "You might get a warm feeling from the iodine in your blood."  

Scary thoughts run through my head. 

This is likely the test that will determine if the cancer has spread. 

The voice prompts me. Take a breath....hold it....and breath. The gurney slides into the center of the circular machine ominously. I see something in the machine spinning. Is something going to come out? 

The machine focuses first on my chest, then my head, than my groin. 

The guy running the test comes in. "Raymond, What are you being tested for? What is your ailment?" I tell him about my mass in my testicle. "But no pain anywhere right?"  I confirm that is correct. 

He leaves. I think ...does that mean he didn't see anything? Maybe.... it means he saw too much. 

He does another pass on my groin. 

I ask when will I be able to discuss the results with a doctor. The nurse informs me that the urologist will go over it with me. 

"When will that be? "

Sometime in the week I should get a call. If I don't hear anything I have to call or come back to urgent care again. 

Holy. I think to myself. They might not get back to me within the week? A whole week? I'd really get lost in the system like that?  Seriously?

So...like it or not...it's the waiting game.  

I really wish I could find out the results sooner. I wish I could know what was in the results.

I'd give up my right nut to find out. 

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I have cancer... and I'm scared

Yesterday, after a visit with the doctor they confirmed that I have a mass in my right testicle.

I'm scared.

I'm also angry at myself because I waited longer than I needed to. I keep beating myself up about that. What was I thinking?

So stupid.

Obviously, a part of me was in denial. I'm the poster child for procrastination. I'm not sure it's productive to keep beating myself up about it. But I can't help it.

Thoughts of the cancer spreading is keeping my mind racing. A big part of me just wants to go to the kitchen counter, grab a knife and cut the mass out myself. I hate that it's inside me.

My next step is to have my primary care practitioner refer me to a urologist. I have an appointment today.  But another option is to go to another hospital that the ER doctor recommended from UCLA and hope their referral will get me to see a urologist sooner.

I don't have insurance. I have medi-cal or whatever they are calling it now.

I hope I don't slip through the cracks.

I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm writing this.

I read on The Testicular Cancer Society page that I should start a page on the subject. To keep loved ones "updated". But I suspect it's more about venting.

Which I admit IS helping me right now.

Keeps me out of my head. Keeps me from pacing. Keeps me from imagining the worst case scenarios and from beating myself up too much.  I decided to write this post here on my old blog, Ray's Lucky 13. Maybe it will bring me some luck. It's been awhile. Maybe nobody will read it. I don't know.

I have been working on my entertainment blog mostly nowadays. But I don't think this subject is appropriate for that site.

I don't think ball cancer qualifies as entertainment.

I keep thinking of cancer movies.

50/50 with Joseph Gordon Levitt and Seth Rogen has a happy ending. But more often than not cancer movies don't end well.  I know Tom Green had testicular cancer and is alive and well. So is Lance Armstrong. In fact according to stats, recovery is very high for testicular cancer. On average over 90%.

I hope I'm not in the minority.

I'm scared my kids are gonna grow up without a father. I'm scared Erin will have to raise them alone.

I don't want to die.

Kids are asleep right now. I just want to hug them so hard that I'm inside of them. Like a warm blanket.

I know people will say don't worry. Everything will be fine.

But will it?

I'm scared.

I'm tired of reading cancer information sites.

Best case scenario is surgery. Chemotherapy. Radiation.

Fun.

I keep thinking I'm experiencing advanced signs of the cancer. Back pain. Stomach pain. Fevers. Headaches.  It's probably just in my head.

Probably.

To be honest,  I didn't really have many signs besides the hard feel of my testicle and the heaviness down there. I strained my back moving the kiddie pool a couple of weeks back. So a part of me thought that the groin pain was because I pulled something.

I was hoping it was a hernia.

I guess I also felt fatigue. But I work graveyard shift and I don't really get to sleep well, so I'm sort of always tired. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't suspect something sooner. I kept waiting for another symptom. To get me going.

So stupid. No excuse.

Don't borrow trouble. Stay positive.

That's what Erin says and I keep telling myself.

It was hard telling Erin. Then telling my mom and sister. I felt like I let them down.

Not sure if I'm crying for them or for myself.

I'm not sure why I'm telling you. I don't really want the drama.

But I'm scared.

Keep happy thoughts. Stay positive.

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The Top Ten Films by Steven Spielberg - By Ari Dassa

The Top Ten Films by Steven Spielberg

This Article originally appeared on our legacy site PassMeThePopcorn (Now Defunct)
 

By Ari Dassa

 

Steven Spielberg, arguably the most celebrated filmmaker of all-time, has won 126 awards during his illustrious career. That includes 4 Academy Award Oscars with Two for Best Director. On the verge of winning another Academy Award for his work on the excellent movie Lincoln, many film fans are listing their favorite Steven Spielberg movies of all-time. Not one to turn down a chance to examine the works of one of my all-time favorite directors, I’ve decided to add to the conversation and share my list of the Top 10 films directed by Steven Spielberg.
 

Honorable Mentions:

 

 

Lincoln

(2012)
 
Incredible movie. Not much more to say here about this film, except to say go see it when one gets the chance.

 

Official Synopsis:
 
Steven Spielberg directs two-time Academy Award® winner Daniel Day-Lewis in “Lincoln,” a revealing drama that focuses on the 16th President’s tumultuous final months in office. In a nation divided by war and the strong winds of change, Lincoln pursues a course of action designed to end the war, unite the country and abolish slavery. With the moral courage and fierce determination to succeed, his choices during this critical moment will change the fate of generations to come.
 

 

Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom

(1984)
 
This one, over time has just eventually won me over completely.
 
Synopsis:
 
The second of the George Lucas/Steven Spielberg Indiana Jones epics is set a year or so before the events in Raiders of the Lost Ark (1984). After a brief brouhaha involving a precious vial and a wild ride down a raging Himalyan river, Indy (Harrison Ford) gets down to the problem at hand: retrieving a precious gem and several kidnapped young boys on behalf of a remote East Indian village. His companions this time around include a dimbulbed, easily frightened nightclub chanteuse (Kate Capshaw), and a feisty 12-year-old kid named Short Round (Quan Ke Huy). Throughout, the plot takes second place to the thrills, which include a harrowing rollercoaster ride in an abandoned mineshaft and Indy’s rescue of the heroine from a ritual sacrifice. There are also a couple of cute references to Raiders of the Lost Ark, notably a funny variation of Indy’s shooting of the Sherpa warrior.

 

 

Munich

(2005)
 
Munich is a masterwork… until the ridiculous sex scene, which is inter-cut with the killings. That scene is so tonally unbalanced and the wailing middle-eastern woman on the soundtrack and slo-mo sweat is so overdone, that it completely ruins the final 10 minutes of the film and the horror of the massacre.
 
Official Synopsis:
 
Inspired by real events, Munich reveals the intense story of the secret Israeli squad assigned to track down and assassinate the 11 Palestinians believed to have planned the 1972 Munich massacre of 11 Israeli athletes – and the personal toll this mission of revenge takes on the team and the man who led it. Hailed as “tremendously exciting” (Peter Travers, Rolling Stone), Steven Spielberg’s explosive suspense thriller garnered five Academy Award nominations, including Best Picture and Best Director.
 

 

Saving Private Ryan

(1998)
 
Saving Private Ryan has some astonishing set-pieces, but I’m not really too crazy about the film.

 
Official Synopsis:
 
Steven Spielberg directed this powerful, realistic re-creation of WWII’s D-day invasion and the immediate aftermath. The story opens with a prologue in which a veteran brings his family to the American cemetery at Normandy, and a flashback then joins Capt. John Miller (Tom Hanks) and GIs in a landing craft making the June 6, 1944, approach to Omaha Beach to face devastating German artillery fire. This mass slaughter of American soldiers is depicted in a compelling, unforgettable 24-minute sequence. Miller’s men slowly move forward to finally take a concrete pillbox. On the beach littered with bodies is one with the name “Ryan” stenciled on his backpack. Army Chief of Staff Gen. George C. Marshall (Harve Presnell), learning that three Ryan brothers from the same family have all been killed in a single week, requests that the surviving brother, Pvt. James Ryan (Matt Damon), be located and brought back to the United States. Capt. Miller gets the assignment, and he chooses a translator, Cpl. Upham (Jeremy Davis), skilled in language but not in combat, to join his squad of right-hand man Sgt. Horvath (Tom Sizemore), plus privates Mellish (Adam Goldberg), Medic Wade (Giovanni Ribisi), cynical Reiben (Edward Burns) from Brooklyn, Italian-American Caparzo (Vin Diesel), and religious Southerner Jackson (Barry Pepper), an ace sharpshooter who calls on the Lord while taking aim. Having previously experienced action in Italy and North Africa, the close-knit squad sets out through areas still thick with Nazis. After they lose one man in a skirmish at a bombed village, some in the group begin to question the logic of losing more lives to save a single soldier. The film’s historical consultant is Stephen E. Ambrose, and the incident is based on a true occurrence in Ambrose’s 1994 bestseller D-Day: June 6, 1944.
 

 

My list of the Top 10 Spielberg Films:

 

 

 

10. A.I. Artificial Intelligence

(2001)
 

“A.I.” is an ambitious effort that doesn’t always work, but it’s fascinating to watch Spielberg work with Kubrick’s treatment and take himself into darker and more challenging places thematically.
 
Official Synopsis:
 
In a future world of runaway global warming and awe-inspiring scientific advances, humans share every aspect of their lives with sophisticated companion robots called Mechas. But when an advanced prototype robot child named David (Haley Joel Osment) is programmed to show unconditional love, his human family isn’t prepared for the consequences. Suddenly, David is on his own in a strange and dangerous world. Befriended by a streetwise Mecha (Jude Law), David embarks on a spectacular quest to discover the startling secret of his own identity.
 
 
 

 

9. Minority Report

(2002)
 

Official Synopsis:
 
Based on a short story by the late Philip K. Dick, this science fiction-thriller reflects the writer’s familiar preoccupation with themes of concealed identity and mind control. Tom Cruise stars as John Anderton, a Washington, D.C. detective in the year 2054. Anderton works for “Precrime,” a special unit of the police department that arrests murderers before they have committed the actual crime. Precrime bases its work on the visions of three psychics or “precogs” whose prophecies of future events are never in error. When Anderton discovers that he has been identified as the future killer of a man he’s never met, he is forced to become a fugitive from his own colleagues as he tries to uncover the mystery of the victim-to-be’s identity. When he kidnaps Agatha (Samantha Morton), one of the precogs, he begins to formulate a theory about a possible frame-up from within his own department. Directed by Steven Spielberg, who hired a team of futurists to devise the film’s numerous technologically advanced gadgets, Minority Report co-stars Colin Farrell, Max von Sydow, and Neal McDonough.
 

 
 

 

8. Jurassic Park

(1993)
 

Synopsis:
 
Experts and others are invited to a theme-park site featuring dinosaurs man-made from DNA. Starring Sam Neil, Laura Dern, Jeff Goldblum, and Richard Attenborogh. Based on Michael Crichton’s novel.
 

 
 

 

7. Empire of the Sun

(1987)
 

Official Synopsis:
 
A British boy living in Shanghai after getting separated from his family eventually arrives at a prison camp when Japan invades China at the outset of WWII.
 

 
 

 

6. Catch Me If You Can

(2002)
 

The most underrated film on this list, The film features what I believe is Leonardo DiCaprio’s best performance in his career so far. It’s a beautifully made film which shows Spielberg’s gift for entertaining and moving an audience at the same time. Give this one another chance. It rewards the viewer on subsequent viewing.

 
Official Synospis:
From three-time Oscar winning director Steven Spielberg, Catch Me If You Can follows Frank W. Abagnale, Jr. as he successfully passes himself off as a pilot, a lawyer and a doctor – all before his 21st birthday!

 

 
 

 

5. Raider’s of the Lost Ark

(1981)
 

Official Synopsis:
 
Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford) is no ordinary archeologist. When we first see him, he is somewhere in the Peruvian jungle in 1936, running a booby-trapped gauntlet (complete with an over-sized rolling boulder) to fetch a solid-gold idol. He loses this artifact to his chief rival, a French archeologist named Belloq (Paul Freeman), who then prepares to kill our hero. In the first of many serial-like escapes, Indy eludes Belloq by hopping into a convenient plane. So, then: is Indiana Jones afraid of anything? Yes, snakes. The next time we see Jones, he’s a soft-spoken, bespectacled professor. He is then summoned from his ivy-covered environs by Marcus Brody (Denholm Elliott) to find the long-lost Ark of the Covenant. The Nazis, it seems, are already searching for the Ark, which the mystical-minded Hitler hopes to use to make his stormtroopers invincible. But to find the Ark, Indy must first secure a medallion kept under the protection of Indy’s old friend Abner Ravenwood, whose daughter, Marion (Karen Allen), evidently has a “history” with Jones. Whatever their personal differences, Indy and Marion become partners in one action-packed adventure after another, ranging from wandering the snake pits of the Well of Souls to surviving the pyrotechnic unearthing of the sacred Ark. A joint project of Hollywood prodigies George Lucas and Steven Spielberg, with a script co-written by Lawrence Kasdan and Philip Kaufman, among others, Raiders of the Lost Ark is not so much a movie as a 115-minute thrill ride. Costing 22 million dollars (nearly three times the original estimate), Raiders of the Lost Ark reaped 200 million dollars during its first run. It was followed by Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1985) and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989), as well as a short-lived TV-series “prequel.”
 

 
 
 

 

4. E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial

(1982)
 
Official Synopsis:
 
Director Steven Spielberg’s heartwarming masterpiece is one of the brightest stars in motion picture history. Filled with unparalleled magic and imagination, E.T. follows the moving story of a lost little alien who befriends 10-year-old, Elliot. Experience all the mystery and fun of their unforgettable adventure in the beloved movie that captivated audiences around the world.
 

 
 
 

 

3. Close Encounters of the Third Kind

(1977)
 

Official Synopsis:
 
In the night skies near his Muncie Indiana home power repairman Roy Neary (Richard Dreyfuss) experiences something out of this world. His close encounter sets into action an amazing chain of events that leads to contact with benevolent aliens and their Mothership. Spectacular special effects John Williams’ outstanding score and winning performances from Dreyfuss Teri Garr Melinda Dillon and legendary director Francois Truffaut in the role of Lacombe make CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND movie magic of the best kind.
 

 

 

2. Schindler’s List

(1993)
 

Official Synopsis:
 
Schindler’s List, a Steven Spielberg film, is a cinematic masterpiece that has become one of the most honored films of all time.
Winner of seven Academy Awards, including Best Picture and Best Director, it also won every major Best Picture award and an exceptional number of additional honors. Among them were seven British Academy Awards; the Best Picture Awards from the New York Film Critics Circle, the National Society of Film Critics, the National Board of Review, the Producers Guild, the Los Angeles Film Critics, the Chicago, Boston and Dallas Film Critics; a Christopher Award; and the Hollywood Foreign Press Association Golden Globe Awards. Steven Spielberg was further honored with the Directors Guild of America Award.
The film presents the indelible true story of the enigmatic Oskar Schindler, a member of the Nazi party, womanizer, and war profiteer who saved the lives of more than 1,100 Jews during the Holocaust. It is the triumph of one man who made a difference, and the drama of those who survived one of the darkest chapters in human history because of what he did.
Directed by Steven Spielberg, the film, which also won Academy Awards for Screenplay, Cinematography, Music, Editing and Art Direction, stars an acclaimed cast headed by Liam Neeson, Ben Kingsley, Ralph Fiennes, Caroline Goodall, Jonathan Sagalle and Embeth Davidtz.
 

And the #1 film from Steven Spielberg is…
 
 
 

 

1. Jaws

(1975)
 
Was their any doubt? “Jaws” is quite simply one of the best films of the ’70s.
 
Official Synopsis:
 
Directed by Academy Award® winner Steven Spielberg, Jaws set the standard for edge-of-your-seat suspense quickly becoming a cultural phenomenon and forever changing the movie industry. When the seaside community of Amity finds itself under attack by a dangerous great white shark, the town’s chief of police (Roy Scheider), a young marine biologist (Richard Dreyfuss) and a grizzled shark hunter (Robert Shaw) embark on a desperate quest to destroy the beast before it strikes again. Featuring an unforgettable score that evokes pure terror, Jaws remains one of the most influential and gripping adventures in motion picture history.
 

Or if you don’t like that classic film one could always watch…

 
 
 

Hook

(1991)
 
Hook is hilarious. I’ll give it that.
 
Official Synopsis:
 
A high-flying adventure from the magic of Steven Spielberg, Hook stars Robin Williams as a grown-up Peter Pan and Dustin Hoffman as the infamous Captain Hook. Joining the fun is Julia Roberts as Tinkerbell, Bob Hoskins as the pirate Smee, and Maggie Smith as Granny Wendy Darling, who must convince the middle-aged lawyer, Peter Banning, that he was once the legendary Peter Pan. And so the adventure begins anew, with Peter off to Neverland to save his two children from Captain Hook. Along the way, he rediscovers the power of imagination, of friendship, and of magic. A classic tale updated for children of all ages, Hook was nominated for five 1991 Academy Awards(r) including best visual effects

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