The Boys in the Boat

The Boys in the Boat (2023)

A Squeaky Clean Slice of 1930s Americana

by Ray Manukay

★★★☆☆

Watched 08 Feb 2024

An earnest, crowd-pleasing men-on-a-mission sports film. The Boys in the Boat has all the classic team athletics story elements: an underdog group, inspiring speeches, swelling music, and unfair obstacles. Director George Clooney unabashedly leans hard into the 1930s slice of Americana setting to a charming effect.

🎬 Production Credits

Director: George Clooney

Writer: Mark L. Smith

Cinematography: Martin Ruhe

Editor: Tanya M. Swerling

Music: Alexandre Desplat

Based on: Daniel James Brown

Reminiscent of that feeling one gets when walking down Main Street at Disneyland enjoying the 1930's period sights and sounds. — Ray Manukay

Nostalgia vs. Realism

If you turn off the cynical side of your critical eye, it's hard not to get caught up in the old-fashioned, simpler time nostalgia. The film does go a bit overboard on the throwback sentimentality and "oh shucks" charm—especially in the third act as the team faces Nazi Germany. However, the worst one can say is that it's "too" wholesome, which is a rare critique in today's landscape.

💡 Fun Facts

• The actors underwent three months of training with a rowing coach to look like a professional crew.
• The film was primarily shot at Winnersh Film Studios in Berkshire, UK, despite its Washington state setting.
• Rowing is historically one of the oldest Olympic sports, having been part of the program since 1900.

The Team

• Callum Turner: Anchors the film as the hardworking Joe Rantz.
• Joel Edgerton: Plays the over-his-head coach delivering the essential inspiring speeches.
• The Production: Costumes and design feel like they were ripped straight from Thornton Wilder's Our Town.

✅ Pros

• Charming period production design.
• Family-friendly and earnest.
• Classic, effective sports underdog arc.

❌ Cons

• Leans heavily into "oh shucks" sentimentality.
• Lacks gritty realism or nuance.

Read the original review on Letterboxd

🏆 Final Verdict

While a critic could nitpick that the film is too squeaky clean to be realistic, it’s worth remembering it’s based on a true story. It's a wholesome, nostalgic trip that succeeds if you're looking for an old-fashioned happy ending.

American Fiction

 

American Fiction (2023)

A Razor-Sharp Satire of Art and Business

★★★★½

Watched 06 Feb 2024 — Arguably the best film of 2023; a gut-busting and thought-provoking All-American family tale.

Directed by Cord Jefferson, American Fiction is a smart, effective, and razor-sharp satire of modern American art and commerce. While the film is filled with biting commentary on the entertainment industry, it remains anchored by a deeply relatable family core. Jefferson’s debut evokes the social and entertainment satire once mastered by Woody Allen, but delivered with a refreshing, unique, and timely perspective. At its heart, Jeffrey Wright and Sterling K. Brown provide outstanding turns as emotionally tortured brothers navigating the complexities of modern America.

"Short sighted audience members might laud this as an outstanding satire of the modern African American experience. But I think that's limiting. I think the title sums up perfectly that this is an all-american family tale that everyone can associate with."

— Ray Manukay

🎬 Cast & Crew

• Director: Cord Jefferson
• Starring: Jeffrey Wright, Sterling K. Brown, Erika Alexander
• Supporting: John Ortiz, Issa Rae, Leslie Uggams, Adam Brody
• Studio: [MGM / Orion Pictures](https://www.mgm.com)

The Vision

Cord Jefferson’s vision transcends specific demographics to tell a universal story about the expectations placed upon artists. By skillfully alternating between "roll in the aisles" satiric comedy and poignant family drama, he highlights the absurdity of an industry that often demands stereotypes over authenticity. His directorial style is both refreshing and confident, ensuring that the film’s "razor-sharp" wit never overshadows the genuine emotional stakes of the characters. It is a masterful balance that challenges the audience to assess how we consume art and "American Fiction" itself.

🎬 Cinephile Fun Facts

• Literary Roots: The film is based on the [2001 novel "Erasure" by Percival Everett](https://en.wikipedia.org), which Jefferson adapted for his directorial debut.
• Award-Winning Script: Cord Jefferson won the Academy Award for [Best Adapted Screenplay](https://www.oscars.org) for this film, marking a massive victory for first-time feature directors.
• The "Woody Allen" Influence: Critics have frequently compared the film's intellectual wit and urban neurosis to early [Woody Allen](https://www.imdb.com) comedies like *Annie Hall* or *Manhattan*.

✅ Pros

• Outstanding, career-best performances by Jeffrey Wright and Sterling K. Brown.
• Razor-sharp satire that is both funny and thought-provoking.
• Universal themes that transcend the "African American experience" label.

❌ Cons

• Satiric tone may feel too "inside baseball" for some regarding the book industry.
• The ending's meta-narrative shifts can be polarizing.
• Some supporting characters feel slightly under-explored.

🏆 Final Verdict

A masterpiece of modern satire that manages to be gut-bustingly funny while delivering a punch to the gut. It is an essential, All-American family tale that demands to be seen and discussed by everyone.

View on Letterboxd

The Red Shoes

The Red Shoes (1948)

A Technicolor Dreamworld Come to Life

by Ray Manukay

★★★½☆

Watched 26 Jan 2024

Breathtaking and glorious Technicolor provides a feast for the viewer's eyes in The Red Shoes, directed by the legendary duo Pressburger and Powell. Famously renowned as one of Martin Scorsese's favorite movies, it's not hard to see why—it acts as the polar opposite to his own gritty, working-class style.

🎬 Production Credits

Directors: Michael Powell, Emeric Pressburger

Writer: Emeric Pressburger

Cinematography: Jack Cardiff

Editor: Reginald Beck

Music: Brian Easdale

Based on: Hans Christian Andersen

The film feels like a kaleidoscope and a rainbow had a baby in the land of Oz and it was transported into the tapestry of The Red Shoes. — Ray Manukay

Visual Sumptuousness vs. Melodrama

The film is a dreamworld of magical ballet sequences, enchanting music, and vivid, dreamlike lighting. However, the story dips into shameless melodrama with operatic performances in a tragic third act that might elicit some unintentional laughter or unsympathetic eye rolls. The rushed execution of the ending gives it a "cult classic" vibe rather than grounded realism.

💡 Fun Facts

• The film's 17-minute ballet centerpiece took six weeks to film and features over 50 dancers.
• Cinematographer Jack Cardiff won an Oscar for his revolutionary use of Technicolor in this production.
• Martin Scorsese helped fund the 2009 restoration of the film to preserve its vivid color palette.

The Performers

• Moira Shearer: A professional ballerina whose casting ensured the dance sequences were authentic and technically flawless.
• Anton Walbrook: Delivers a sharp, demanding performance as the obsessive impresario Boris Lermontov.
• The Ensemble: Features zany, clown-like side characters with brightly colored costumes that pop against the meticulously detailed sets.

✅ Pros

• Arguably the most beautiful film ever made.
• Breathtaking ballet sequences.
• Unrivaled use of Technicolor.

❌ Cons

• Third act dips into operatic melodrama.
• Rushed, unearned tragic ending.

Read the original review on Letterboxd

🏆 Final Verdict

It is not hyperbole to say it is legitimately one of the most visually sumptuous films in history. While the narrative nuance of the Actors Studio is absent, the delight to the audience's senses is absolute.

Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom

 

Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom (2023)

★★★ 

Official Synopsis

Black Manta returns with the Black Trident, forcing Arthur Curry to forge an uneasy alliance with his brother, Orm, to protect Atlantis and the world from destruction.

Perhaps unintentionally reminiscent of a pre-CGI children's cartoon. Complete with giant bugs and bright colored sea creatures, including an affable octopus sidekick named Topo. Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom doesn't pretend to be taken even remotely serious.

If the audience thinks of this content as a tribute to 80's Saturday morning cartoons, the movie becomes much more tolerable. - Ray Manukay

Production Info

Director: James Wan

Arthur Curry: Jason Momoa

Orm: Patrick Wilson

Studio: DC / Warner Bros.

If the viewer is looking for the dark atmosphere and adult themes of the Zack Snyder DCEU, they will find nothing except massive disappointment. I hesitate to use adjectives like good or bad to describe the film; it's not fair to the film or the viewer.

The film is handsome and fun to look at. Director James Wan knows how to tell a fun, if uncomplicated story. He deserves credit for making chicken salad out of this thin material.

THE PROS

• Zany visual design
• Momoa/Wilson Chemistry

THE CONS

• Zero narrative tension
• Jarring tonal shift

Seen Them Before?

Jason Momoa: Game of Thrones, Dune, Fast X
Patrick Wilson: Watchmen, Insidious, The Conjuring
Nicole Kidman: Moulin Rouge!, The Others

READ FULL REVIEW ON LETTERBOXD

THE VERDICT

This is escapist background entertainment. Best watched while doing chores or letting the kids play. To experience it any other way would be insulting to one's intelligence.

Poor Things

Poor Things (2023)

A Wild and Unfiltered Feminine Perspective

by Ray Manukay

★★★☆☆

Watched 18 Jan 2024

A unique tribute to the Frankenstein tale, told from a wild and unfiltered feminine perspective. Striking and colorful storybook visuals enhance the enjoyment and accentuate the first-time experiences of the lead character Bella, played with joyous abandonment by Emma Stone.

🎬 Production & Cast

Director: Yorgos Lanthimos

Writer: Tony McNamara

Bella Baxter: Emma Stone

Godwin Baxter: Willem Dafoe

Duncan Wedderburn: Mark Ruffalo

Max McCandles: Ramy Youssef

Striking and colorful storybook visuals enhance the enjoyment and accentuate the first-time experiences of the lead character. — Ray Manukay

Willem Dafoe, Mark Ruffalo, and Ramy Youssef portray different characters that influence and shape her growing views of life. There is some humor in the early "fish out of water" aspect of the story, but it eventually gives way to the annoying and predictable naivety of Bella as she encounters the cruelties and challenges of real life. This is followed by the inevitable world-weariness and, finally, seasoned intelligence of life experience.

✅ Pros

• Emma Stone's fearless, joyous lead performance.
• Breathtaking and colorful production design.
• Exceptional work from the supporting cast.

❌ Cons

• Naivety of the character can feel repetitive.
• Lengthy runtime may feel predictable by the end.

The film is a surprisingly straightforward story from Yorgos Lanthimos, who is known for telling off-beat, non-traditional tales. The unconventional elements here are largely limited to the liberal, explicit sexuality and nudity throughout the film.

Thematic Divide

The enjoyment of the film will likely depend on the audience member's political view. Some may find the feminist themes annoying or preachy, while others might find it refreshing and inspiring. What is undebatable is that all the performers and artists are operating at the top of their game, making the film worthy of awards season consideration.

READ ORIGINAL REVIEW ON LETTERBOXD

🏆 Final Verdict

Visually arresting and fearlessly performed, Poor Things is a masterclass in production design, even if its narrative trajectory feels a bit predictable by the third act.

Busting

 

Busting (1974)

A Gritty, Authentic 70s Time Capsule

★★★½☆

Watched 12 Jan 2025 — A visceral, edgy crime gem that captures the authentic energy of mid-70s Los Angeles.

Directed by Peter Hyams, Busting is a standout representative of the character-driven crime films of the 1970s. Elliott Gould and Robert Blake deliver affable, grounded performances as grunt vice cops whose routine work on mediocre crimes leads them into a much larger case. The film boasts a grit and urgency that remains relevant today, utilizing on-location sets and a "lived-in" aesthetic where the performers actually look like real people rather than polished movie stars. It is a cinematic event that avoids the pitfalls of network television tropes through creative technical execution.

"When audiences remark that they don't make movies like that anymore, they are referring to films like Busting... It has that visceral, edgy energy of hungry artists trying to make their mark."

— Ray Manukay

🎬 Cast & Crew

• Director: Peter Hyams
• Starring: Elliott Gould, Robert Blake
• Supporting: Cornelia Sharpe, Antonio Fargas
• Cinematography: Earl Rath

The Vision

This is a pre-Baretta Robert Blake and pre-Capricorn One Peter Hyams, and that "hungry artist" energy permeates every frame. Hyams utilizes interesting tracking shots and unique camera angles to elevate the slice-of-life story into something genuinely cinematic. The vision focuses on authenticity; save for Cornelia Sharpe's high-class call girl, the cast feels authentic to the streets of LA. While the stakes might not reach the operatic heights of The French Connection, Hyams succeeds in making a "smaller" film feel vital and urgent.

🎬 Cinephile Fun Facts

• Directorial Debut: *Busting* was the feature film directorial debut for Peter Hyams, who would go on to direct *2010: The Year We Make Contact* and *Timecop*.
• The "Lethal Weapon" Blueprints: Many critics cite this film as a primary influence on the ["buddy cop" genre](https://en.wikipedia.org), specifically for its mix of banter and gritty realism.
• On-Location LA: The film features extensive footage of the now-demolished [Main Street in Downtown Los Angeles](https://www.movie-locations.com), serving as a valuable historical record of the city's 1970s landscape.

✅ Pros

• Authentic, gritty production value and on-location filming.
• Excellent chemistry between Elliott Gould and Robert Blake.
• Unique cinematography and tracking shots by Peter Hyams.

❌ Cons

• The ending feels somewhat rushed and anti-climactic.
• Lower stakes compared to blockbusters like *Serpico*.
• Occasional pacing issues inherent to "slice-of-life" narratives.

🏆 Final Verdict

A forgotten gem of 70s crime cinema that deserves way more recognition. It's the kind of film that inspires a deep binge of the era's gritty police procedurals. Authenticity at its finest.

View on Letterboxd

A Disturbance in the Force: How the Star Wars Holiday Special Happened

A Disturbance in the Force (2023)

How the Star Wars Holiday Special Happened

by Ray Manukay

★★★☆☆

Watched 21 Dec 2023

An entertaining documentary exploring one of the most infamous TV specials in network television history. A Disturbance in the Force shares how the Star Wars Holiday Special became the famous disaster of epic proportions we know today.

🎬 Production Credits

Directors: Jeremy Coon, Steve Kozak

Writers: Jeremy Coon, Steve Kozak

Cinematography: Tim Irwin, Quinn Hester

Editor: Jeremy Coon

Music: Karl Preusser

Based on: The Star Wars Holiday Special

The documentary sympathetically shows how rushed timelines, inappropriate creative talent and the television landscape of the time all contributed to the doomed from the start project. — Ray Manukay

The Autopsy of a Disaster

What is interesting is how the film illustrates all the obvious faults with the concepts, ideas, and storylines of the special. It serves as a fascinating look at the insanity of 1970s variety television—a world where George Lucas was persuaded to turn his sci-fi phenomenon over to a format dominated by song and dance numbers.

💡 Fun Facts

• This documentary features the final film appearances of legendary comedian Gilbert Gottfried and author Jonathan Rinzler.
• In 1978, CBS pre-empted Wonder Woman and The Incredible Hulk to air the two-hour special to 13 million people.
• The special marks the first on-screen appearance of the bounty hunter Boba Fett in the Star Wars universe.

Key Contributors

• Seth Green & Weird Al Yankovic: Leading voices in the nerd community who help explain the special's bizarre legend.
• Donny Osmond: Offers surprising insight as someone who performed Star Wars spoofs on his own variety show.
• Bruce Vilanch: A writer for the original special who provides hilarious context on why the "aliens kept fainting".

✅ Pros

• Thoroughly researched historical context.
• Sympathetic look at the creators.
• Entertaining "VH-1 style" interviews.

❌ Cons

• Lacks new interviews from the core original cast (Ford, Hamill, Fisher).

Read the original review on Letterboxd

🏆 Final Verdict

A Disturbance in the Force is a must-watch for Star Wars completionists. It’s an affectionate, thorough, and often hilarious breakdown of why the Holiday Special happened—and why we can't stop talking about it decades later.

The Equalizer 3

The Equalizer 3 (2023)

Justice Knows No Borders

by Ray Manukay

★★★½

Redemptive adventures in Southern Italy

The Equalizer 3 continues the redemptive adventures of Robert McCall. A lethal mercenary who dedicates his life to leveling the playing field against evil and corrupt forces who prey on the helpless. There is no shortage of stories to tell, considering the origins of the character, so it's not too surprising that the audience still enjoys watching these adventures.

🎬 Production & Cast

Director: Antoine Fuqua

Robert McCall: Denzel Washington

Emma Collins: Dakota Fanning

Marco Quaranta: Andrea Dodero

Vincent Quaranta: Andrea Scarduzio

Runtime: 109 Minutes

Denzel Washington elevates the final instalment with some strong character work of his likeable, yet lethally deadly lead character. — Ray Manukay

The key to these stories are the villains. They have to be so despicable and unsavory that it's actually enjoyable to see McCall dispense justice with his slow burn torture and lethal equalizing. That is certainly the case here, with some of the most abhorrent antagonists to ever cross paths with McCall. Especially enjoyable is when Marco Quaranta (Andrea Dodero) learns a hard lesson on why it doesn't pay to be bad in McCall's presence.

Joining the series is an affable Dakota Fanning, marking a reunion with Washington since they shared the screen in Man on Fire. In terms of where this film ranks, I'd argue it's probably the best of the bunch—definitely superior to the second film.

✅ Pros

• Satisfying Man on Fire reunion with Dakota Fanning.
• Classic "slow burn" justice and lethal equalizing.
• Superior character work by Denzel Washington.

❌ Cons

• Generic plot beats found in the middle act.
• A rushed ending, that is supposed to possibly provide series closure, but feels insincere.

READ ORIGINAL REVIEW ON LETTERBOXD

🏆 Final Verdict

A satisfying conclusion to a revenge-filled trilogy. As long as Denzel is willing and able to keep playing McCall, these stories should continue to entertain.

Killers of the Flower Moon

Killers of the Flower Moon (2023)

A Beautifully Shot but Emotionally Inert Epic

by Ray Manukay

★★½☆☆

Watched 29 Oct 2023

Strong performances try to buoy a beautifully shot movie, but Killers of the Flower Moon is lacking in any suspense, thrills, or even any drama that was not already revealed in the film's trailer or synopsis. The movie for me, unfortunately, fails to deliver anything dramatically satisfying.

🎬 Production Credits

Director: Martin Scorsese

Writer: Eric Roth, Martin Scorsese

Cinematography: Rodrigo Prieto

Editor: Thelma Schoonmaker

Music: Robbie Robertson

Based on: Killers of the Flower Moon by David Grann

The film unfolds painfully slower than a strong documentary. — Ray Manukay

The Narrative Focus

The true, historical events are retold with almost documentary-like precision. According to reports, the original script focused on the FBI investigation of the murders, but Leonardo DiCaprio wanted to shift the focus to the twisted love story between his character and his Osage wife. I think I'd have preferred the FBI story, or at least a film from the heartbreaking perspective of the Osage people themselves.

💡 Fun Facts

• The original draft was over 200 pages and centered on Tom White, the lead FBI investigator.
• Martin Scorsese worked closely with Osage Nation consultants to ensure cultural and linguistic accuracy.
• The film marks the sixth collaboration between Scorsese and DiCaprio.

The Performances

• Robert De Niro & Leonardo DiCaprio: Deliver well-performed acting histrionics that provide the film's primary zest.
• Lily Gladstone: Anchors the "twisted love story" that became the film's central focus.
• The Violence: Choreographed and re-created with a precision that, by design, makes the viewer feel almost sadistic in witnessing.

✅ Pros

• Admittedly strong, high-caliber acting.
• Visually stunning cinematography.
• Historical precision in recreation.

❌ Cons

• Painfully slow pacing.
• Lack of dramatic suspense or surprises.
• Focus shift away from the investigation/Osage perspective.

Read the original review on Letterboxd

🏆 Final Verdict

One can argue that this story of murder and injustice against the Osage needs to be told, but did it need to be so long, slow, and unmoving? While technically proficient, the film remains ultimately unsatisfying.

Pass Me The Popcorn Presents Web Show

It's been awhile since I've posted, but I wanted to share with my humble little audience this little project me and my friends Jeremy Schaeg, Evan Danielson and my wife Erin Davis have been working on to get our creative juices flowing.


With time permitting, this will be the first of several episodes.

This is by no means the final format of the show. We will likely alternate between comedic skits and serious discussions concerning pop culture topics and events.


This is just a start.

Ideally, we'd like to involve more of our creative friends, we think with our resources and connections we've made throughout the years the sky is the limit!


So without further ado...here it is! Our humble first episode of Pass Me The Popcorn Presents...


 IF you enjoy it please like and share the video! Don't forget to subscribe for future episodes!!!

Warning! NSFW! (For language.) So put on those headphones!!!

Seeing the finish line...

One of the many questions I've asked myself during this trying time was "Why did this happen?"

Of course the simple answer would be "Why not?"

But to put things a little more in perspective. Testicular cancer is considered to be a very rare form of cancer. Only 1% of cancers in males. Even more rare for Asian-americans. Overall 1 in 270 males have a chance to acquire the disease and almost half of all cases happen to men between the ages of 20 and 34.

So...lucky me?

After being diagnosed, my thoughts and memories often turned to all the loved ones that passed away from cancer.  I mourned their loss again. I longed for their counsel. I shared in their fear.  I'm sure there were moments in their diagnosis where they felt similar to me.

Feelings of fear, turning to sheer terror,  alternating with hope, then eventual acceptance.

How did they feel and what did they think as they reached the finish line of life?

I admit I still have fears and worries, but I'm finding them increasingly manageable as the days go by.

I guess if people were on the outside looking in at my situation,  if there is a  kind of cancer to get, the preferable one would be the one with an over 90% survival rate.

I'm still a bit worried that because of the kind of insurance coverage that I have. I won't have access to premium services. Short cuts might be made in my case when in other situations they wouldn't. Just getting my tumor removed required a bit of jerry rigging of the system. The specifics I rather not disclose. But I have to trust my doctors. They have covered for me this far.

At this point. I'm feeling positive about my prognosis. My tests all came back clean. CT scan showed no abnormalities. X-rays were clear. Blood tests were negative. The mass is now removed and no longer in my body. I'm hoping that it stayed isolated. I have a follow up with my urologist in a couple of weeks to discuss my treatment options.

My next step is possibly one dose of chemotherapy and or a radiation treatment, then I will have to observe and have periodic checkups every three months.

The drawback is that this will be for the next 5 to 10 years.

The most prominent issue I'm dealing with now is dealing with the loss of a testicle. Some occasional nausea. I spent so much time focusing on survival, I didn't really stop to consider the idea of losing a physical part of me. An important part of me.

Men spend their lives protecting that area. It's ingrained in us since we are little. Even wearing a cup in little league and a jock strap in sports to support that area. It's comical to think about the idea but it's true.

That area represents a man's virility, health and sexuality.

Does losing a testicle make me less of a man? Will my testosterone be too low? Will my sexual performance suffer? Will my peers view me differently knowing that I only have one testicle?

It's funny when you consider these things out loud. Of course the answer to all these concerns are probably no.

At least I hope they are.

But these are my honest fleeting thoughts. They were especially prominent before my surgery.

Post surgery, physically I feel fine.  I admit that there exists a strange feeling now. To have an empty space where there used to be something. Nerve endings that weren't previously exposed are now touching each other. I find myself adjusting often. Hopefully I won't do this too much unconsciously in public.

It's also clear I'm also gonna have to transition from boxers to boxer briefs. I'm acutely more conscious about what is going on down there now. I'm promising myself to not procrastinate about physical ailments.

Which brings us back to HOW did I get this disease? The traditional causes of cancer are not part of my lifestyle.  Cancer is not in my immediate family. I don't smoke. I rarely drink alcohol anymore. Don't experiment with drugs. It's been years since I've even had a hit of Marijuana. I like to think I live a relatively stress free lifestyle, although the idea of having four kids under the age of 7 may seem stressful to others.

I was able to come up with three possibilities. As far fetched as it sounds.

My first theory is my fondness for junk food. Erin is a supporter of this theory. And she is using this as an opportunity to change my diet and lifestyle. She's been after me for years to be more conscious of my diet and often has encouraged me to exercise more.

It's time to take up her flag. I can't fight her on this anymore. The truth is getting cancer has given her all the ammunition she needs.

Theory 2:  Radiation from Japan's Nuclear disaster.

Yeah... I know it's absurd. But I'm clutching at straws here.

And my final theory... radiation from my cellphone.

I keep my cellphone in my right front pocket. I've been doing it for years. I've observed  my phone overheating in the past while in my pocket and I've often wondered what harmful effects that the overheating and low level radiation may cause. Maybe whatever causes cancer was in me already and the overheating and radiation just triggered it?

I know it sounds ridiculous. As I said, it's a theory.

Whatever the cause of my my testicular mass. The truth is it doesn't matter.

I have had it in me, it's been removed and I will continue to fight the effects from it. My life will never be the same again.

And that's not necessarily a bad thing.

If there is a positive to take away from all this it's that this has made me more conscious of how precious life is.

It's made me see the finish line.

At the risk of sounding overly sentimental. It's made me appreciate my life more. My friendships. My family. I hug my kids a little tighter now. Made me more appreciative of Erin and our relationship.  I'm trying to not sweat the little things as much.  I'd like to think that it's given me a sharper perspective on what's important.

I know that this is just the beginning of this cancer challenge. But I can see the finish of this chapter. I'm confident I will beat this.

I'm also hoping it makes me a better person at the end. And lead to an overall better life for me and my family

I admit... I'm still scared. But I can see the finish line.

Not the scary kind of finish line though. The kind that features a victory celebration at the finish with all my friends and family.

Here are a couple of Testicular cancer facts I want to share. Hopefully it will inspire someone to take action. Maybe save someone some anxiety.


Most lumps or bumps down there are relatively harmless and tend not to be cancer. Some of the more common causes for testicular pain or swelling are infections, hernias, hydroceles and varicoceles.

The symptoms for testicular cancer also don't appear to be alarming at first. Many times there is no pain. The most common symptom is a painless lump. Sometimes it can be accompanied by a heavy or aching feeling in the lower belly or scrotum.

I can confirm that the feeling that I experienced was not alarming. In fact if it wasn't for straining my back moving a kiddie pool of water, I probably wouldn't have suspected anything. I actually  thought that my symptoms pointed to my condition being a hernia.

Some of the risk factors which contribute to testicular cancer are an undescended testicle, family history of testicular cancer,  HIV infection and carcinoma in situ. But since testicular cancer is so rare there isn't really an effective study which reveals notable risk factors.

Remember according to citations from Wikipedia:

Testicular cancer has one of the highest cure rates of all cancers: in excess of 90 percent overall; almost 100 percent if it has not spread (metastasized). Even for the relatively few cases in which malignant cancer has spread widely, modern chemotherapy offers a cure rate of at least 80%.

Don't wait! The sooner you deal with it the better! 

Sleeping with the television on...

I sleep with the television on.

I've been doing it ever since I could remember. I suspect that maybe it started as a kid being afraid of the dark. But now it's not about that anymore.

As an adult, I need the television on to distract me from my thoughts so I can finally fall asleep. My thoughts aren't usually dark. Most of the time it's just trivial stuff. Funny memories. Tasks that need to be done. Thoughts about my friends and family. Ideas and regrets from the day.

I need the sounds from the television to keep my thoughts quiet.

Maybe it's also about being in a room that's alive while I'm asleep. To remind me there's a world waiting for me to wake up.  It took awhile for Erin to get used to it. She likes the television off when she sleeps. In fact, I still don't think she's used to it.

If the television is on while I'm sleeping and someone turns it off I'll wake up in a panic.

The silence can be deafening.

It's been hard getting some sleep lately.

Part of the obstacle is that I work graveyard shift. 12:00 am to 8 am. Not that I mind that. In fact, I rather enjoy it. It gives me more time to be with the kids and Erin. But combined with the visit to the E.R. and the day of tests, which I have experienced these previous two days, I've only been able to get maybe four hours sleep... total.

Today with nothing on the schedule I tried to get some winks.

It didn't work out so well.

My thoughts are running away with me.

It's exhausting.

I keep wondering what the hell is going on inside my body. Is the cancer growing? Is it multiplying?

This morning after breakfast Evie wanted to play her favorite game, Zombie with me. The game basically consists of me chasing her around the backyard till I catch her, tickle her and nibble on her body parts.

Evie will play this game with me for hours if she had her way. It's a game that only daddy can play with her. It's not the same with mommy.

She especially loves it when big brother Brayden joins in because she uses him as a human shield. They will often run away holding hands. They hide in places together and will protect each other when I catch one of them. Now that Bohdan is older he has joined in on the fun. Except he squeels in delight when I catch him. And cries when I get distracted and won't chase him.

He'll get the hang of it.

Nolan doesn't like it when daddy plays zombie. He's happy watching the action from inside the house within earshot of mommy. So that he can run to her in case I should turn my unwanted attention towards him through the window.

This morning while chasing Evie. I started experiencing phantom pains. I got winded after a few minutes. I felt like my stomach was cramping. Back was stiffening. I felt a little light headed. I became acutely aware of the air in my lungs and my ribs expanding.

My thoughts were....crap these are the advanced signs of cancer.

The game ended early to Evies' disappointment.

I shared my thoughts with Erin and she pointed out that likely I was just fatigued from lack of sleep.

Not to mention that I'm also a computer nerd that's old and out of shape. Cancer or not.

I decided to try and catch some winks.

I got maybe a couple of hours rest when my thoughts and fears took over. After awhile I got up angry. Pissed that there was nothing I could do. And completely ignorant about what was happening to me.

I want to fight but I don't know who the enemy is yet.

The thing that continues to haunt me is that I waited too long to share my concerns about the mass. I decided to research the symptoms that Tom Green and Lance Armstrong experienced before they finally got help.

Apparently Tom Green experienced similar symptoms. He was actually misdiagnosed at first and waited before he got a second opinion. He was actually experiencing pain down in the scrotum for awhile before he got help.

I don't have any pain. Just a heaviness down there.

Lance Armstrong however waited till he had blinding headaches and was coughing up blood. Blood!  His cancer spread to his brain and lungs and were in advanced stages.

I'm nowhere near that point.

Even with all those odds against him. He had four rounds of chemo-therapy and was able to beat it.

Granted I'm not a world champion athlete. But I like to think I have more will to survive than Lance did. I have four little reasons why I NEED to live.

I shared the info with Erin and she assured me that everything would be okay. She was confident that I would be fine.

She was sure of it.

 I was comforted by her resolve and determination.

I could use some more of that confidence not from just her but from myself.

I need to convince myself that everything is going to be fine. That this operation is going to be as routine as the surgery I received when I was getting my appendix out last year.

Noticing that I was up and awake, Evie requested we play more zombie.

This time we played until SHE got tired and ran out of gas.

A day of tests...

I get off of work and the first thing I want to do is go to the hospital. 

I don't want to wait till 2pm for my appointment with my primary care physician to be referred to a urologist. I decide I will go to the ER of the UCLA affiliated hospital that my ER doctor recommended that will accept medi-cal.

I've waited and procrastinated long enough. 

Erin forces me to eat breakfast before I go. I hear Brayden open up the back door to go outside. Nolan jumps on my lap asking to watch YouTube videos. Evie is already asking if I could push her on the swing in the backyard. Bohdan points at my computer screen and says "Hulk". 

He likes watching Hulk smash things in the Marvel movies. I'm in the mood for it too. 

I kiss Erin goodbye before I leave. I start to breakdown. Erin comforts me.

I debate whether I really want to share my venting post from my initial diagnosis. 

I share the post on Facebook before I step out the door. 

While driving I hear the encouraging chimes of Facebook notifications I'm getting on my phone from my friends. 

The E.R waiting room is ridiculously crowded. There are a lot of sick people in the room. Lots of lines. Lots of doors. Lots of filled chairs. Lots of waiting. 

I move from check-in, then to two different nurse evaluation stations. 

Both times their initial question haunts me. "When did you first notice the mass?" I shake my head no in ignorance.

I don't remember. 

I'm approved for urgent care. 

After several hours I finally see the doctor. He reads me a checklist of symptoms.

I don't have any of them. At least I don't think I do. 

He physically checks my limp nodes and body for lumps. 

All clear.

He exams the testicle. Confirms it's a mass and says he'll schedule an appointment with the urologist. 

"It's cancer. But there are alot of different kinds of cancer."

I don't think there's any good kind.

One thing is for sure. The thing is coming out. So they could send it away to be analyzed.

Good riddance. 

"Please schedule something as soon as you can. I'm freaking out."

He comes back and says the urologist will see me "within the week."

My heart drops. 

But he also states that I will get a round of tests today. Blood tests. X-Rays. Another sonogram and then a C.T. scan.  

It's more than I expected. At least today will be productive. 

I wait.

Each testing station has a waiting room. I'm constantly reminded there are a ton of other sick people in this world too. I overhear a young lady say she was diagnosed with breast cancer. 

She can't be over 22.

I can't get reception in the hospital. Occasionally, it breaks through and I'm able to read some Facebook comments from my post. I'm profoundly touched whenever I read a new one. I get emotional several times throughout the day while reading.  I'm sure it looks weird. 

When I can't get reception. I look at family pics on the phone. I miss Erin and the kids. 

I watch the blood as they draw it from me into the vials. 

Are there cancer cells swimming around in there? 

The x-ray room is dark. Comically, I start to undress. And the guy tells me to keep everything on. I remember it's still unusual for people to see me naked.  He then has me contort into a weird standing position. Arms in the air. Chin up. Back straight. Chest out. Shoulders touching the platform. I'm wearing what feels like a bulletproof apron around my waist. He points the x-ray machine at me. Back and side x-rays. I hope this thing doesn't give me cancer. 

As I leave the room. I try to peek at the x-rays. Not sure what I'd be looking for. I know from watching movies that if I see black spots that's probably not a good sign. I don't see anything in the split second I peek.

When it's time for the sonogram I'm comforted by the fact that I already know the results of that test. But doubts start to creep in. What if they find more? I over-analyze everything.

He asks my favorite question. "When did you first notice the mass?"

He leaves the room for a bit. I realize I'm laying down with everything covered and only my scrotum exposed. Must be a funny sight. 

The doctor catches me in the hall. Two of your blood tests came back negative. Waiting for a third. He walks off.

Negative for what? I already know that I have cancer. I realize he means for other kinds of cancers. At least I think that's what he means.

More waiting.

It's been three hours since my last test. I'm still waiting for the C.A.T. Scan. They need to do another blood test for my kidneys to be sure it's safe to use the iodine during the test. 

The guy sharing the waiting room with me is a victim from a stabbing. Got stabbed seven times. He has a piss bag. He's having complications from the surgery. He shares that he has fluid in his lungs.

I picture one of my kids his age. How do I prevent something like that happening to one of them? What if that happens to me? What if I was ever in the wrong place at the wrong time? What would happen to my kids? 

Doctor comes over to me. The blood tests came back negative.  I ask him what that means. He tells me that they test for different levels to determine kinds of cancer. 

"So basically  it's some good news right?"  He confirms its good. 

I walk into the CT scan room and the operator is saying a prayer. Is he praying for me? That's a nice gesture. Or maybe he's just talking to himself with his eyes closed holding his hand over a book.   

I lay down on the CT scan gurney. "You might get a warm feeling from the iodine in your blood."  

Scary thoughts run through my head. 

This is likely the test that will determine if the cancer has spread. 

The voice prompts me. Take a breath....hold it....and breath. The gurney slides into the center of the circular machine ominously. I see something in the machine spinning. Is something going to come out? 

The machine focuses first on my chest, then my head, than my groin. 

The guy running the test comes in. "Raymond, What are you being tested for? What is your ailment?" I tell him about my mass in my testicle. "But no pain anywhere right?"  I confirm that is correct. 

He leaves. I think ...does that mean he didn't see anything? Maybe.... it means he saw too much. 

He does another pass on my groin. 

I ask when will I be able to discuss the results with a doctor. The nurse informs me that the urologist will go over it with me. 

"When will that be? "

Sometime in the week I should get a call. If I don't hear anything I have to call or come back to urgent care again. 

Holy. I think to myself. They might not get back to me within the week? A whole week? I'd really get lost in the system like that?  Seriously?

So...like it or not...it's the waiting game.  

I really wish I could find out the results sooner. I wish I could know what was in the results.

I'd give up my right nut to find out. 

I have cancer... and I'm scared

Yesterday, after a visit with the doctor they confirmed that I have a mass in my right testicle.

I'm scared.

I'm also angry at myself because I waited longer than I needed to. I keep beating myself up about that. What was I thinking?

So stupid.

Obviously, a part of me was in denial. I'm the poster child for procrastination. I'm not sure it's productive to keep beating myself up about it. But I can't help it.

Thoughts of the cancer spreading is keeping my mind racing. A big part of me just wants to go to the kitchen counter, grab a knife and cut the mass out myself. I hate that it's inside me.

My next step is to have my primary care practitioner refer me to a urologist. I have an appointment today.  But another option is to go to another hospital that the ER doctor recommended from UCLA and hope their referral will get me to see a urologist sooner.

I don't have insurance. I have medi-cal or whatever they are calling it now.

I hope I don't slip through the cracks.

I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm writing this.

I read on The Testicular Cancer Society page that I should start a page on the subject. To keep loved ones "updated". But I suspect it's more about venting.

Which I admit IS helping me right now.

Keeps me out of my head. Keeps me from pacing. Keeps me from imagining the worst case scenarios and from beating myself up too much.  I decided to write this post here on my old blog, Ray's Lucky 13. Maybe it will bring me some luck. It's been awhile. Maybe nobody will read it. I don't know.

I have been working on my entertainment blog mostly nowadays. But I don't think this subject is appropriate for that site.

I don't think ball cancer qualifies as entertainment.

I keep thinking of cancer movies.

50/50 with Joseph Gordon Levitt and Seth Rogen has a happy ending. But more often than not cancer movies don't end well.  I know Tom Green had testicular cancer and is alive and well. So is Lance Armstrong. In fact according to stats, recovery is very high for testicular cancer. On average over 90%.

I hope I'm not in the minority.

I'm scared my kids are gonna grow up without a father. I'm scared Erin will have to raise them alone.

I don't want to die.

Kids are asleep right now. I just want to hug them so hard that I'm inside of them. Like a warm blanket.

I know people will say don't worry. Everything will be fine.

But will it?

I'm scared.

I'm tired of reading cancer information sites.

Best case scenario is surgery. Chemotherapy. Radiation.

Fun.

I keep thinking I'm experiencing advanced signs of the cancer. Back pain. Stomach pain. Fevers. Headaches.  It's probably just in my head.

Probably.

To be honest,  I didn't really have many signs besides the hard feel of my testicle and the heaviness down there. I strained my back moving the kiddie pool a couple of weeks back. So a part of me thought that the groin pain was because I pulled something.

I was hoping it was a hernia.

I guess I also felt fatigue. But I work graveyard shift and I don't really get to sleep well, so I'm sort of always tired. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't suspect something sooner. I kept waiting for another symptom. To get me going.

So stupid. No excuse.

Don't borrow trouble. Stay positive.

That's what Erin says and I keep telling myself.

It was hard telling Erin. Then telling my mom and sister. I felt like I let them down.

Not sure if I'm crying for them or for myself.

I'm not sure why I'm telling you. I don't really want the drama.

But I'm scared.

Keep happy thoughts. Stay positive.